@Liej 23 March 2023 more from that month

Breathe

It's been a few months since I've felt exhausted, and I've just believed myself that one day everything will just fade away and I'll be happy again, true happy again. But it appears that the universe did not want it that way, as the day that I had been expecting for so long never came. I'm frustrated, stressed, tired, and completely exhausted. It's Sunday and all of a sudden I burst out, I can't look unhappy at home, I can't even cry, I just felt like I needed to let out all of the pain I'm feeling inside. I couldn't stop myself from grabbing my hoodie and riding my bike right away. I drove as fast as I could, not knowing where I was going, and it took me to the beach. I arrive with a beautiful sun about to set, and as it touched my skin, I felt relief, a tear rolled onto my cheek, and my heavy heart felt as soft as a cloud from above. Sometimes I hate beach sand, but when it touched my feet with the salty air that caused my hair to flip, I felt like everything became so light. I stayed there for hours, watching the sun set and wait until everything turn black. That was the most relaxing time and place I've ever experienced. It's not best, but it's the perfect time and place for all the pain I'm experiencing on the inside. That time, all I had was myself and a bottle of beer, and every sip felt like a load of grief and a thousand tears. Everything just piled up on me, and I nearly lost my mind. I'm not sure where to begin or how to end this. I feel like I'm running in circles in my head, completely exhausted and out of my mind. What caused all of this to happen to me? Am I a bad person? What did I do wrong? Finding the cause of everything that is happening to me is much more difficult than finding an answer and a solution on my math quiz. It's been a difficult battle between me and myself. I can't fight back, so I just let myself drown in sadness. I just wanted to drown in the middle of the sea and let the waves bring me back to shore when everything was perfectly alright. I want to see the light again, I want to fight for my life, but for now I will let myself rest, take a deep breath, and free my chest.