Early morning depression and feeling of worthlessness

Today is one of those days where I wake up feeling like I do not belong to the world; I feel like an outcast, I feel lonely, and feel like there is something I should be doing that I'm not. I feel like I'm not wanted and simply forcing myself to adapt. Waking up this morning feels weird; I didn't want to step out of the room as I didnt sent to be seen, I felt like something was wrong, like I had done something wrong and simply didn't want to communicate with or come across anyone, I simply didn't want to be seen. I feel like this many times for no reason at all and I'm beginning to think I require therapy.

I've been running away from therapy for so long, I keep assuring myself everything will be olay but it turns out that my mood simply fluctuates without reason. It's really weird because I could wake up today feelimg good while I'd wake tomorrow feeling awful and unwanted. I have no idea why this happens but I mostly feel like something is wrong somewhere and I'm simply forcing myself to blend with the world.

I mostly feel like this world isn't for me, perhaps I belong somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere without people, somewhere isolated, somewhere silent, somewhere without words to describe its level perfection. I've got no idea of this perfect place exists but I intend to find out.

You may find this weird but I feel like going to the hospital, I haven't been there in a long time, I feel like taking those body fluids, I want those needles to pierce my skin, I want to be there once more; it's like a perfect opportunity to be alone and away from the noise of the world..a private ward would be a nice starting point....

I feel like I'm beginning to lose my mind and have got no idea how to control my thoughts as my thoughts are beginning room control me.. I need a therapist. I'm losing my mind and I can't help it.

I'm still trying hard to understand human nature and how people get excited over little things, from my childhood my parents have always complained that I'm hardly impressed by anything, almost like my expectation has always been too high; when other kids rejoice when a "long time no see" family member arrives, I'm sinply indifferent and say the causal hello like nothing happened.

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"I feel worthless, my life feels like a shipwreck"

With time I realise that I'm hardly excited by anything, receiving Christmas gifts from anyone isn't exciting, being my own santa isn't exciting as well; I only got myself those things out of logic because I "need" them; they are needs and not wants. I mostly put on a charade in a bid to show some appreciation when ever something is done for me by someone, but in real life I'm not really excited because I think the part of the brain responsible for "excitement" is asleep.

I tried to be happy so many times but it just doesn't work; happiness is tough, I can only pretend to be happy but no matter what I do or get for myself, I simply cannot grasp a single strand of happiness. Out there I feel like the happiest person on earth as I'm very good at acting and faking it but down there nothing excites me I'm only trying my best to react based on the logic of "act like everyone else so you wouldn't seem like an alien".

In the end there's no such thing as happiness, happiness is simply an illusion we create for ourselves in a bid to escape the cruelty of life by fixing our eyes on material things which are nothing but vanity. In the end we all are nothing but pretenders; no one is really happy but all putting on a charade.

I feel terrible today; I feel like I should run away from it all, I feel worthless and feel like I don't belong here; I simply want to be alone and feel like I've interacted too much with my cousins, and family members with whom I stay. Im beginning to feel worthless, this has resulted in depression and I think I simply need a break; I need isolation, I need to be alone.

Toddles!