Some Days Are Bluer

Are some days really bluer than the blue one you just had yesterday?

To live a life as an adult is to realize that everyone is pretentious. It is hard for me to sit down in the corner during family gatherings and believe that they are having a good life. Though part of me believes that they are really enjoying the moment of reunion, I cannot help but think, what if everyone feels the same way as I am? Conscious that not everyone is having a good time but brushes off the thought because they want to be polite. So instead of thinking that everyone is only pretending, they are putting on respect on that fake act of happiness. I'm not sure if anyone understands what I'm talking about but I wish us all genuine happiness.

I appreciate people who offer me company but honestly I do not enjoy the presence of others. I am simply not built for that, I hold no despise towards anyone. And though I greatly prefer if everyone would just give me time alone with myself, I am still human. There are times when I seek presence of a friend. However, it disappoints me that the only friend I want to spend time with is him.

Now I see why everyone emphasizes that a healthy relationship is to have time without each other because what I am practicing right now is toxicity. It is hard to be happy without him, while he is away minding his own business. I do not mean to be this clingy, but I guess I'm the type who offers all her time to her dear. I am guilty because I wish I was an emotionally independent woman. Yes, he tells me to spend time with myself and the people around me other than him but I do not fancy it no matter how much I convince myself. With him away is to spend a day blue, and a tomorrow without him is a bluer day than today.

I don't think if he would ever know the misery he puts me through every time he leaves (because he needs time for himself and family). But I wish if he knew about this or realized this, I hope he does not look at me in disgust at how needy I am. A healthy partner he is. Yet my own love is a poison to myself.

I just want a day no blue. Or him to be back sooner. Because I am tired witnessing bluer and bluer day though the sky is pink in my very eyes. A poison I am.