Shhh! They are not real

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Howdy, read fam! :) It's been 3 days since I'm not around. It's just that my anxiety is coming back again and again. They are really strong that I can't defeat them alone. They are teasing me until I break down. They are too many and I can't handle them. Even I tried so hard to ignore them, their voice is too loud and I can't focus to do my tasks hearing them shouting. My apology if you always read my content about my anxiety but this is where I can express all the burdens inside of me.

Last Wednesday, October 21, 2021 mom send me an errand to go to Edsa Shaw Bendel Center wherein the Raemuland office is located because I will gonna sign a contract for the housing loan we avail. Actually, Edsa Shaw is really far from my location. It takes 2-3 hours to arrive there. I'm not also familiar with the route because it's my first time commuting to Edsa, so every officer I saw in the streets I ask repeatedly to be sure I will not be lost. Fortunately, I heard a lady that will gonna drop at the same stop point I will get off. I walk with her and ask the direction. While walking we have a little conversation. She shared that she is going to the company located in Edsa Shaw to sign also a contract but for the job. I said, "Looks like we're meant to know each other" she smiled. She also mentioned that it's a temporary job because it was only a 3 months contract. She needs to get back again to focus on her child that is still a baby. After I heard it I immediately shared with her about the BCH and its supported platforms how life-changing it works. "Just simply blog with originality and you will get earn" I see in her eyes that she is really interested. I gave her the info before we leave apart.

After 2 hours of traveling, I arrived at the office. I thought I will be assisted immediately but I wasn't. There is a long queued outside and we need to scan the safety pass for covid-19 contact tracing. It took me 30 minutes to enter the office because of that unscannable QR code. Finally, I get in but there is a queue again.

Source: My noise.cash post

I didn't mind the long commute and the queue because I am so excited to sign the contract for our soon new house without thinking the contract will be gonna be this thick hohohaha!

I started to sign the contract at 10 AM and finish it at 1 PM. My butt hurts sitting for too long and also my hand feels stiff. My mom says that I can get some money to her savings and treat myself to Jollibee. I was so happy but the rain isn't. It pours so heavy and so I waited again for 40 mins until it stops. While heading to the nearby fast-food, Jollibee, I noticed guys are laughing. They are looking at me laughing. I thought I just mislook it and I got nervous when suddenly a guard shouted "Neng may tagos ka!" "Hey miss! You got a mess (blood) in your pants!" I heard those man's laughs. I stuck for a second and when I turn to myself again I ran as fast as I could. My tears are streaming down my face while escaping. I was so ashamed. I heard their laughs in my head even I was already far from them. Why do they need to laugh? Is that funny to see a lady have a mess cause of her period? I feel so uncomfortable. I'm crying in the vehicle till I got home. I still kept hearing their voices in my zone.

I tried not to share it in noise because I can't express it all there so I pretend that nothing happened and post something good to forget it but still hear it. I feel anxious and because of that, I'm crying for the whole night.

The next day Thursday, October 22, 2021 mom told me to send $140 to AUB bank for our first equity in the house. That money was her savings but the bank is too far from my location and I'm tired to go outside so, I used my BCH from Coins.ph and transferred it to GCASH and sent it to AUB bank. I transfer my BCH into fiat and send it to GCASH but I mistakenly type 1 wrong number and sent it to others. The customer service took so long to answer my report. I sent the money at 10:27 AM and I emailed them immediately to ask help if I can still refund it. They replied to my email at 1:18 PM. They told me they have service maintenance and I should call back again later at 3:30 PM. I am so worried about the money. My mom is going to kill me. I can't think clearly and can't focus. There are new voices again in my head. I started to cry again. I think God pity me, I suddenly think to call the number where I sent the money but sadly it didn't answer. I tried many times but still, no one was answering. I feel hopeless. I think it's already gone. For sure they have already withdrawn it.

Later at 7 PM, I tried again to contact the number and to my luck, she did answer. I quickly told her about my concern and she apologized that she hadn't answered immediately because she is in the office. Thank God the money for the house is in the safe hands huehue! My tears keep falling and she heard me sobbing. She said "Don't cry, everything is okay now"

I feel so relieved after she said it. I calmed. The voices slowly disappeared. God sees how hard for me to battle these emotions. I get panic in not-so-big-problem to others but to me I always get scared. Scared to blame for the clumsy work I did, scared to get embarrassed by everyone, and doubt always to my action. Why? 'cause I got a lot of traumas before. My boyfriend saving some penny now to bring me to a psychologist. He also sees now, how severe my mental health is. I told him not to do it 'cause I know it still me who can help me. But how and when? How will I gonna rid of those voices?!! "Shhh! They are not real" he said. It was also your voice, it was also you. Yeah! It was always me all the time. It's me vs. me.

So Saturday, October 23, 2021, I slept for a whole day, rest my mind, and woke up Sunday at 2 AM, October 24, 2021, after the long day of thinking I finally gain back my energy.

That's how my absences went. My anxiety gets everything when they are around.

Sorry for the long rants 😅 I hope none of you experience this kind of situation 'cause if you do we all turn to be mad people! 🤦‍♀️ Hoho.

So good to be back ❤ Thanks for reading! :)

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