Fear of Intimacy
Another fear which keeps us frommoving into marriage is the closeness that intimacy brings, especially emotional closeness. This is ironic because intimacy eliminates the pain of loneliness. As one man said, “I want it, but the time payments are too high.”
As I’ve counseled singles over the years, I’ve discovered that one of the reasons for avoiding emotional closeness is low self-esteem. If you constantly criticize yourself, you will probably fear that other people will follow your example and criticize you too. As one woman said, “When a man starts getting close, I run. I just know he’s going to become critical of me. I’menough of a critic of myself. I don’t need his criticism.”
And the fear of seeing her own criticismcome through another person keeps her blocked. If you want to be vulnerable to another person and experience love and closeness, you have to accept and love yourself. And it’s possible because of who God is and how He sees us.
It is rare to find a man who doesn’t have some struggles with intimacy. Men love the benefits of intimacy, but often they are not committed to the work intimacy entails. Though few of themwill admit it, most men fear intimacy, and this fear is reflected in the way they interact with their wives, families, and friends. Why do men avoid intimacy? Listen to a few of their responses, which reflect rationalizations rather than actual reasons:
“That’s just the way men are. We aren’t intimate the way women are. They may not like it, but that’s just the way it is for us men.”
“We don’t know any differently. It’s good enough for us.” “If you open up and share your feelings, others will take advantage of you. It’s just not safe. It comes back to haunt you.”
“You can’t be macho and vulnerable at the same time. It just doesn’t work, and I wouldn’t know how to learn anyway.”
“Very honestly, I just don’t know how to be emotionally intimate. I don’t have the words, the vocabulary to describe what women want to hear. And when I try I sound like a jerk. I want to be a success, not a failure. So I won’t try.”
“The main reason I can’t be intimate is that when I try, my wife is the judge of whether or not I’ve shared a true feeling. I really do try to open up and get as close as she asks. But there’s got to be a list of rules about feelings and closeness somewhere that only women know. From her perspective, I never get it right. So why try?”
“I don’t know whether or not I’mcomfortable telling her everything. If I did something to make her mad, she’d use it against me. She’s shared some things with her friends that I thought were only between the two of us. That hurt. I don’t think women use good judgment when private discussions are concerned.”
A major concern for men about intimacy with women is trust. Some men have had bad experiences after opening themselves up to the women in their lives. Who can they trust? Many men believe women perceive information differently, and they share in public what men see as only personal.
Another concern for men has its roots in the issue of control. When a man shares his personal thoughts and feelings in order to draw close to someone, he is potentially giving that person influence over him. That individual can use the information shared either for his welfare or against his welfare. It’s risky.
Women struggle with the fear of intimacy as well. There are several reasons why a woman might fear an intimate relationship. One we’ve already talked about—the pain of rejection. This issue seems to be at the core of so many fears. Irene was a young divorcée who was attempting to make the adjustment back into single life. She complained to me one day:
I poured myself into that relationship for four years. I held nothing back, thinking my openness would make it work. It didn’t. I felt abandoned when he walked out of my life. I gave and he took. Then I got left behind. Why care that much? Why get that close? The closer you get, the more it hurts when they leave you. I was very close to my dad, and when he died at age 43 it was like part of me was dead too.
And that happened just a year before Jimsaid “so long.” If you love themtoo much, they will kill you emotionally when they leave. Never again. Yes, it does hurt when intimate relationships fall apart. But when there is no intimacy and closeness in a relationship, there is an even greater chance of a relationship dissolving! When you insulate yourself against other people, you tend to bring about that which you fear the most—abandonment.
The courage to run the risk of intimacy can bring tremendous fulfillment in life for both men and women. Often we can predict in premarital counseling the potential for the lack of intimacy developing in a relationship. It’s the key factor in the bonding process, and when you have an ingredient missing, bonding won’t happen.
Women also struggle with the fear of losing their identity in an intimate relationship with a man. Even though women tend to encourage and be more comfortable with intimacy than men, some women fear losing their sense of independence and autonomy if they get too close to their men. I’ve seen this fear happen all too much.
We all need our own space, our privacy, and our separateness. That’s normal. But some women are afraid a man’s demands for closeness and sharing may become too energy-draining for them. They fear their men may begin to invade their lives too much. And in some cases, if a man is vulnerable and discloses his deepest feelings, both positive and negative, she fears he might be weak and unable to give her the care she desires.
Brilliant one