It’s been three years since the breakup. Wouldn’t you think that by now I could move into a new relationship without being haunted by a ghost? I seem to cripple every new relationship because of what happened in the last one. I know I was hurt, but when does it go away for good!? I think I’m OK, but then I become emotionally involved with someone and the hurt and anger come rushing back. And guess who I dump it on!”
It’s tough to recover from a broken relationship. When you’re in love with a person who loves you back, it’s wonderful. But when they don’t, it’s like the end of the world for some people. There are times when you wonder, Will I ever heal? It could be a long-term relationship, an engagement, or a marriage that ended. They’re all filled with pain, especially if you’re the one rejected. And it may never go away completely if you are a parent. You will always be linked through your children to that individual in some way for the rest of your life.
When a relationship dissolves, you are facing a death—the death of dreams, hopes, aspirations, as well as what you actually had in the relationship itself. You’re losing a history and a part of your life. Even if you were the person who terminated the relationship because you no longer cared for the person or the relationship, there is still a death, although it may be mingled with relief.
In all but a few breakups each person will play a different role. One is the rejector and the other the rejectee. A rejector can suffer just as much as the rejectee. That may sound odd to you, but it’s not so much the role you played, but who has the most emotional investment in the relationship.
That person has the most to lose, regardless of the way the relationship comes apart. Do women hurt more in a breakup than men? Not necessarily. They hurt differently, just like they tend to grieve differently.
Men and women tend to view relationships differently. For example, men don’t usually define self-esteemby the success or failure of a relationship, whereas women tend to put more emphasis on the quality of relationships. Women may tend to hurt longer and deeper as well as second-guess themselves. They may ask, “Where did I go wrong?”
Why is this chapter important to you if you are already seeking another person? You cannot move into a new, healthy, and possibly permanent relationship if you still have emotional energy tied up in the last relationship.
You may think you’ve recovered and perhaps you have… and then again, maybe you haven’t. Some individuals haven’t recovered, but aren’t aware of it until they’re in the midst of a new relationship. Then it hits them. And the unexpectedness of it turns their life upside down. They discover they haven’t fully let go.
