Something I found in my diary from forever-ago...
You've heard about those who cry, those who are visibly sad, quiet and withdrawn. Those who have depression which is evident in their emaciated bodies, or obesity requiring purchasing another seat on an aeroplane - ask me, I've been there (from morbidly obese to severely underweight).
Let me tell you a story about how depression really looks, how it looks to me today. You see before, it was easy to tell - I had the signs of it. I displayed it physically due to my emotional state. It's not that easy anymore, because today depression looks like a career woman, a woman with a successful job, a woman who laughs, a woman who is quirky and confident. Someone who others look at and mumble to themselves, "Her life is so easy".
You see me during work beaming confidence and glowing. You see my happy social media life.
What you don't see is the mask I pull off when I get home - only to be replaced by another mask to shield my family from what more of my soul died during work today. You don't see how I ask everyone how their day was, how I genuinely care about the answer - and then wonder what I'm doing wrong and why I can't speak about my day with the same enthusiasm. I try. I try really hard, sometimes I even fool myself. I wonder why I can't speak about my day at all. I wonder why I can't pull my head out of my you-know-what and be happy. JUST be happy. It doesn't sound so hard, except it is.
My family sees how I cook, have a glass of wine, make sure everyone is safe and tucked away in bed - so I can finally pull off my other mask. The one that leaves me alone in my silence to contemplate what I'm doing here, what the point of my existence is, and when these feelings will ever end.
Finally I get to sit on my own and stare at the moonlight. My wine gets a little saltier from my tears. I gasp quietly to myself to try and control the pain I'm feeling. Pain that I don't understand, pain that I try to understand. Pain that I'm giving up trying to understand. It won't go away, I've learned to live with it now, if it can just stay as it is and not get worse, maybe I can make it through another day, week, month and to the end of this year.
You see, it all started when I was a child. I know that's where it began, fixing it? That's a whole different story. I believed when I made something of myself these feelings would go away - they didn't.
I read more news, read more books, study a little harder as I sip on a fresh glass of wine. One more deep breath for good measure.
You're okay, you're tired now, one more glass of wine and you'll sleep all the way through.
Until tomorrow. My day will start again with mask number one - as I wish my family a great day, tell them I love them, and head to a place I never want to be. Then climb into my car and put on mask number two as I greet my colleagues and new clients.
As I write this, tomorrow is just another day, another Tuesday. Another week of questioning what I'm doing with my life, is this all I am ever going to be? A mere existence that has a robot walking around in my own body. I think quite possibly, this is all I'm ever going to be.
I suppose it's better than it was, but I don't think it's ever going to be better. But I still have hope, maybe something will happen to change what I am and who I am.
Maybe this is just what people feel? Maybe this isn't depression at all. Maybe everyone feels like this and we all just keep smiling with our masks on so that we can continue to be what we are to the world. Maybe the dream of "happiness" is just like Santa.
Yet, strangely enough, tomorrow I'll find myself enjoying parts of my day. I'll find myself positive, only to be engulfed by the pit of hell at some point. For something.
Ask. Believe. Receive. I'm trying. I'm trying.
Things are different now...
I have balance. I quit a job that was sucking the life out of me and started doing something I love. I took risks, it worked out.
I still get sad, angry, I have bad patches - but it's not like it used to be.
I am me. I'm finding my way through this very strange world today, and all things considered, I think I'm doing okay.
