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Dear Diary, August 6th, How to feel like a woman again
It's been a very long time since I felt like a woman. I'm not talking about knowing I am one (I have a running joke where I tell people "last time I checked I was still a woman"), I'm talking about that feeling where you are treated like one. My Fiancé does his best to make me feel loved and desired despite being on separate continents for the last (almost) 2 years. However, it's really difficult to actually FEEL like a woman when you don't have what used to make you feel that crazy excited tingle in your stomach. Or that feeling of when he holds your hand as you walk down the road together. Or intimacy, being a couple. That type of stuff.
I'm going to share some of my plans that I'm going to work through to try and get myself feeling more like a female again, rather than just this person who plods through life somewhere between having a vagina but wearing man-clothes all day long and doing physically hard work all day too. Having long hair but always having it tied back / hidden in a hard hat. Owning clothes that look like something a woman would wear, yet always picking the same damn jeans and black shirt because I don't really care who is looking nowadays anyway 😂
That's why I'm not at work today and why I've taken leave until Monday. Because this ant was me. We can only carry our burdens for so long without recharging our batteries until something snaps, and I don't want the snapped thing to be my back.
Above image by Pixabay user: Clker-Free-Vector-Images
I tried, I tried really hard - it didn't work, but that's okay! I will sleep well tonight no matter what. I need it. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. It's crazy how you don't realize how tired you are until you stop. One of the biggest issues everyone faces is a lack of sleep, or sleep interference. I found this article to be quite interesting - basically, it's a struggle to lose weight and tone up due to lack of sleep.
I will be actively working on my sleeping patterns for the rest of this month! I can use all the help at my disposal to get rid of the bits of flab floating around on me.
The thing with my sleep though, I fall asleep with my Fiancé on Skype every night. It's all we have and it's the only way I can actually get to sleep. Everyone says technology is bad for you and people need to disconnect. Yet, what they do not realize, is that some of us aren't fortunate enough to be able to have our partners with us every night. Saying we must disconnect means stopping a part of our existence which makes us a couple. I would rather have my sleeping patterns be obscured by technology and at least know that when I wake up he is there with me in our own weird way. He has said the same thing to me, he always sleeps better when he leaves the Skype on as well. He turns it off because he doesn't want to wake me in the mornings, despite me telling him a hundred times I don't care if he wakes me up, but I guess that's love 💖
Good old vitamin D is always needed. Now that we are coming up for summer I am definitely going to be spending much more time in the sun and making sure I get the benefits of the fresh air. So many people are afraid of getting skin cancer and avoid the sun like the plague. I understand that over exposure can cause skin cancer, however! I could not avoid the sun. Everything is always better after feeling the glow on your skin. I feel more positive about everything after being in it.
Interesting fact: people who have deficiencies of vitamin D are more likely to be admitted to hospital with COVID-19. This is not JUST true for COVID-19, it's actually in terms of all illnesses.
Lack of the vitamin D always = problems / complications.
I put in an order for fruits and vegetables which will be delivered (hopefully) tomorrow to the house. We all need a bit of a detox after the birthday celebrations. Lots of water to flush out the system! And lots of good healthy nutrients. The place I buy from now is direct from the farmers, which definitely helps because they are good prices, extremely fresh - and it helps the farmers and cuts out the big shopping centres who are charging fat prices and basically robbing the farmers of their profits.
We have had our long distance date nights, but we need to really have a proper date night and plan it on Skype and get in the mood. Yes - THAT mood, the NSFW mooooood 😂
I miss this type of thing. I never thought I would miss being able to just kiss and hold someone so much. Before my Fiancé, I had a very much take it or leave it attitude towards any partner I've had a relationship with. I didn't care for intimacy. I never enjoyed making love, then my Fiancé turned up in my life...that all changed.
Above image and lead image by Pixabay User: Free-Photos
He actually makes me feel loved. There is such a difference that can be felt when a man really loves you and you are together, opposed to someone who is just there and you are in a relationship with. I've been very fortunate that I've never had regrets in my life with my exes - each relationship taught me something different. Mostly, they taught me about everything I didn't want in a man, or a relationship.
After getting to a point of total exhaustion, and re-evaluating what I'm doing with my life I also feel like I need to take a step back and chill out and acknowledge the fact that I do actually have breasts, hips, bum, and long hair (on my head, I shaved my legs!).
I am actually a woman and need to start behaving like one a lot more. Time needs to be taken on my end to wear something other than my hair pinned up and my Fiancé's long sleeves.