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Brilliant Star On My Side.

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Written by   12
6 months ago

To my sweet darling sister, who was born mute and deaf. I know you would like to know more about her journey, which I will reveal in a future post.

How beautiful are the skies in the dark from your golden glitter, and how amazing is your presence comforting those like me? My wishes to reach you and touch you. To lean my head on you, to cry and let my tears drop on you. I can imagine from your beauty, you are kind. I can feel from your sparkly presence you are warm and caring.

Watching you floating above me rid my heart of loneliness. Imagining you by my side warms my soul. I’m mute and deaf. I’m not good enough for the womb that bore me into this lonely world. I can’t understand a word, I can’t hear the birds. Who Am I? What I am? Why I’m here?

My little fragile, innocent heart is longing for what other children have, so I may be, acceptable, loved and adored. I envision myself adored and loved if I were complete and beautiful. It’s a dream that never materialized. A dream, a wish I’ve been yearning for the whole of my life.

Thank God you are there for me, although up high in the skies, but I feel your love all the time, and when I look up to the skies and you caught my eyes, loneliness and insecurity escape my mind.

Every time I look at you and your sparkling smiles, my eyes cry, and tears roll down my face. Tonight I’ll go to sleep with you as the last joy I see tonight in my mind. I’ll sleep in peace, forgetting I might wet my bed tonight. I could sleep without seeing mother’s angry face in the morning when she comes to know I’ve wet my bed again.

Mother hates my bed-wetting cycle. Mother can’t help it. She chases me around to lay her heavy hands on me, to calm her anger.

I can tell mother isfurious when I see my sister’s face. Her face drained of blood as tears rolling down her face. Her fears speak to me, her pain, for what she’s been witnessing, must melt her heart every time she sees me running for my father’s loving arms.

I don’t know about my crimes. No one has told me why I am a trouble for mother. Why mother always seems to not like me. I hope she truly loves me in her heart. Perhaps I should live in suffering and wish for paradise to restart living, but a better life.

If tomorrow I have a bad day, it’s okay. I know in my heart, I’ll see you again later in the night,to love me from high above, like no one can, to smile at me once again, mypretty stars.

It would be a long day waiting and wish for nightfall, so I can see you again. To be mute and deaf is not better than being here and alive, neither being here and alive better than being mute and deaf. Perhaps if I was good enough for mother’s love, worthy of her warmth, I wouldn’t notice you and I wouldn’t feel unwanted and incomplete.

Surely, many have adored and admired your beauty as merely as an ornament in the skies. I, for one, noticed your existence out of loneliness, helplessness, and fear. Perhaps it’s normal to forget and ignore the beautiful things around us when we have what we want. And a venerable scared little girl notices you, out of loneliness and mounting fear of the very woman that brought me here.

I pray to God, you will come and see me in heaven. I will finally hug you and kiss you like I should to my mother. And you will hug me tight and kiss me like a mother should to her little girl deaf and mute.

Monitor me as I sleep, sing me a song and read me a story until I sleep.

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Oh, and don’t forget to always look out for my dear papa. He’s the only thing I have, the only true love in my heart. Papa is a man with a big heart; he loves and adores me no matter what. I’m never out of line, never make a mistake in Papa’s eyes. He is the only shelter to protect me from mothers’ wrath.

I wish someday I will grow up and care for Papa when he gets old. I wish someday he will take me with him on his boat, to help him fish for our dinner. It would be fun and I won’t miss him when he’s out at sea.

My older sister is very young, but she’s like a mother to me. She washes me, dresses me, she has something in her heart I don’t understand. When we play on the rocks, she always holds my hand. When I feel I need a mother's touch, I go to her and sit on her lap. She plays with me and tickles me, and I laugh in happiness that cools my heart.

I don’t want to talk about mother much, least she find out and beat me. Now I want to ask you sweet brilliant star.How can I stop wetting my bed so mother can love me? What should I do to make mother hug me. I’m lonely without a mother. I was born to a mother, and my heart has the instinct of every child to feel the need for their mother. But me, I’m yearning for a life free of mother. She causes me so much pain,sometimes I feel, I’m the one causing mother pain, I wish I know.

Goodnight, brilliant star.

Come back tomorrow to sing me a song and read me a book, to calm my heart.

Copyright: @JoyOfWomanhood 2021

 

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Written by   12
6 months ago
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