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I was raised to be a good child by my mother and despite my father's iron fist, I've learned how to filter good from bad and never been influenced by his harsh words and actions. My mind matured at a young age. I'm always afraid to do bad things and even to try things out of curiosity that might make the corpse talk, although I did some when I was a kid.
If you will ask the people in my hometown, who is Jane?
Jane doesn't talk that much.
Jane doesn't go out often.
Jane doesn't socialize with others.
Jane is an introverted person.
But Jane is kind and being respected by others because she only does what is right.
Ever since I was a child, I am always taking cautious about my actions. Because I don't like people talking negatively against my works, my words, my actions. I always mind what other people will say, and make sure that everything is fine and running smoothly.
But we can't control other people's minds. They have mouths that will talk if they want to. They have minds that will judge if they want to.
And even if I take it with a grain of salt, it's just too tough to remove them from my mind, it's because every word and feedback matters.
I used to mind what people will say about me, but they are minding my smallest mistake.
Even if I just drop a fork, they will call me weak.
I just utter a word, they will throw a sentence.
I just speak my mind, they will speak their mouths.
And sometimes it's too hard to move around in this perilous world because of other people's minds. It seems like I live in other people's heads and it makes me so uncomfortable in my own body.
It makes me feel anxious and extremely cautious, and think that I am not good enough. That's why I chose to be alone, so people won't see my mistakes, so people won't judge my flaws, to take myself out from living in other people's heads.
But if I am introverted in my real world, I am totally different in my digital world.
I thought I can find a perfect place inside this world where I can totally be comfortable in my own skin without being judged by others. I thought I can find a place here where I can express my thoughts and opinions freely.
I am totally different from my real self.
I interact with others more often.
I talk frankly because I don't like sugar coating.
I share my daily life without minding what other people will react to it.
I express my thoughts, emotions, and opinions because I thought I won't be judged. I thought there's nothing wrong with sharing my opinion about something, about someone.
But the more I express myself, the more I am being judged. The more I become real, the more people call me fake.
But things I am sure about:
I don't consider myself successful as I am still a noob in this world.
I'm not a cosplayer as I am just trying to show who I am.
I don't have a big head as I even find it small, small to absorb everything in this world.
And I always keep my feet on the ground but not all can see it, not all can feel it.
I talk frankly but I'm not brave enough to express myself directly to someone, to something.
Although I know I am wrong at times, but I always try to reflect on myself and make things right.
But some people will only look at my mistakes even how much I tried to change.
So what's the point of correcting things if people still look at your mistakes of the past?
What's the sense of proving yourself if people will only listen to their own thoughts?
And what's the point of expressing your opinion if other people will only look at it negatively?
It can't be called opinion if we will only express the other side - either the bad or good side.
Am I good enough?
But as I reflect on myself, I've realized that I am a bad person. Not thinking about the consequences before taking any actions. I am not good enough.
I hurt other people's feelings through my posts.
I talk about other people at their back through my posts.
Someone even told me that the purpose is good, but the approach is bad.
I am being judged because of being ME.
But maybe I deserve to be judge, to be backstabbed, and to be hurt. Maybe I deserve to get their painful feedback.
Or maybe I just need to learn how to ignore what other people will think about me. Maybe I just need to learn not to mind their words, their opinions, their actions against me. Or maybe I just need to be insensitive, in a good way and respond positively. Or maybe I just need to detach myself from toxic people, because I myself is toxic sometimes. Adding fuel to the fire will make things explode.
Or maybe I just need to respond to constructive criticism positively and don't mind other people's shoes.
This is just a random article expressing my thoughts and emotions and not referring directly to a certain person, but to anyonewho thinks and will thinknegatively against my words and actions, maybe you need to think as well if you are doing good or bad.
Whatever your purpose in my life, whatever our purpose in other people's lives, one thing is for sure, they come and go but the experiences with them give us lessons, remind us to reflect on ourselves, and teach us the right things to do.
Feel free to drop your thoughts and opinions below, whether it is bad or good, because opinion is an opinion, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is up to the people on how they will handle the situation, the criticism, the feedback, the consequences.
I have reflected on myself, admitted my mistakes. Have you reflected on yourself too? Maybe now is the time, because we are not perfect, we are only humans, and we do commit mistakes unawarely.
Through self-reflection, it allows us to look neutrally at our actions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It allows us to realize our mistakes. Because sometimes, we tend to close one window of our life to ignore what is happening around us. We become unaware of the things we do and the output of our actions.
But as we reflect on ourselves and learn from our mistakes, it leads us to positivity, growth, and happiness.