@GreatWhiteSnark 4 March 2022 more from that month

Stupid Search Queries Typed into Google

**This morning, I was bored. Looking for a quick and easy way to amuse myself, I decided to see what I could find as far as concerns the stupid things people have typed into Google.** (They should have used Presearch, but that's beside the point. ) Here's what I found (and which I've answered, with snarky remarks where have been able to): https://presearch.org/signup?rid=2544986 **Q:** Do inflatable dolls count as passengers in the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lane? **A:** I'm just asking here. There’s got to be an *entirely* family-friendly reason people own these things, *right*? **Q:** Which smells worse, dog, cat or human urine? **A:** I work for a kennels and cattery, so can say with confidence that it's definitely cat urine. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? **Q:** Where do lost socks go when they go missing? **A:** Millions of socks go missing every year. Washing machines sacrifice them to the octopus god of launderette, who eats them with chopsticks. **Q:** What kind of pigs eat people? **A:** The omnivorous kind, obviously. The vegetarian ones taste noticeably different. **Q:** Can cow saliva cure baldness? **A:** I don't know, but I'd like to. I missed the myth busters episode on this one. **Q:** What is a magical way to gain weight? **A:** If I knew the answer to *that*, I'd weigh a lot more than I do. As far as I can tell, there’s *definitely* nothing magical about gaining it. I understand it takes something close to magic to *lose* it (and, perhaps more importantly, make sure it *stays* lost), however. **Q:** What is the medical term for when all of your arteries and veins are totally clogged with fat? **A:** I believe that’s called “dead.” **Q:** What’s the best trick to train your dog to do? **A:** Well, that one should be obvious: Find the TV remote, *bien sûr*. **Q:** What would a chair look like if human knees bent the other way? **A:** Goddamn disturbing, without a doubt! **Q:** Do ginger-haired people have ginger pubes? **A:** Probably. Why don't you conduct a survey of all the ginger-haired people you know (for Science, of course)? **Q:** I am *extremely* terrified of Black people. **A:** OK, so you're racist. Thanks for letting us know. **Q:** I like to tape my thumbs to my hands and pretend I'm a dinosaur. **A:** Wow; your Friday nights must be positively *wild*! **Q:** Why is my girlfriend always mad at me? **A:** It's probably because you're a gigantic douche canoe. **Q:** Can Jesus microwave a burrito? **A:** Thomas Aquinas wrote a paper on this. It's quite interesting (but not as interesting as figuring out if there's a rock he can't lift). **Q:** Do midgets have night vision? **A:** If by "midgets" you mean "cats", then the answer is "yes". **Q:** What happens when a giraffe swallows a toy jet? **A:** Bad things for the toy passengers, most likely. **Q:** Why are wolves taking all our women? **A:** It's quite simple, really. We Primals are irresistibly sexy beasts! **Q:** Does anyone else think of Jesus as a mischievous badger? **A:** Yes, often. **Q:** I accidentally slept with my sister. What should I do? **A:** Well, Billy-Bob Danny Frank, that's called incest and is illegal outside Alabama. I suggest the two of you move there pronto. **Q:** Sometimes when I'm alone, I use Comic Sans. What should I do? **A:** Kill yourself right now. No matter *how* terrible you feel, there is *never* any justification for using Comic Sans! **Q:** How come all the other unicorns are dead? **A:** They're not dead. They're in Hagrid's secret menagerie at Hogwarts. **Q:** Are monkeys good people? **A:** No, but dogs are. Monkeys are Metallica fans, though, so they're not *all* bad. **Q:** Can I raise my IQ by eating gifted children? **A:** No, that's illegal (either because it's cannibalism or statutory rape). **Q:** How do girls master bat? **A:** They join little leagues and train hard. **Q:** I have lack toast and tolerant symptoms. What should I do? **A:** Head down to the shops and buy some bread and/or a toaster, depending on which of those you lack. Maybe get some aunty buy O ticks while you're at it. **Q:** I'm a prisoner in a toothpaste factory. Can you help? **A:** Are you sure it's a toothpaste factory. Maybe you've been committed to a menthol institution. Lead image: Photo by **Vlada Karpovich** from **Pexels** https://www.pexels.com/@vlada-karpovich https://www.pexels.com/photo/young-lady-using-laptop-at-table-in-modern-workspace-4050320/