How am I?

Previously I talked about mental wellness and how important it is to distinguish or help someone suffering from mental health.

Today I want to share to you my own experience and how am I trying to cope with it and some important talking points.

Way back, when we talked about mental wellness or health we became a laughing stock because people would believe it is just us overreacting, but now, it has been accepted by everyone especially when pandemic started. Just like what my company did and I believe any other companies on different industries too.

We would have to attend seminars, virtual activities and even virtual talks about life, opportunities, talents, family and etc.

At first, I got no idea and I do not take it seriously not until all the lockdowns and work from home set up happened. It is when you get to realize how short someones life is and that we might die at anytime of the day unprepared and with unfinished business. With this being said, a lot of mental issues started.

For one, adjusting to work from home environment is such a draining phase that even me never thought I would have survived. Then here's the news whenever and wherever that talks about negativity like crimes and it did not help with Covid19 getting worst.

To be honest, I have worked from home for about a year and 3 months. In most cases what stresses the set up is the internet connection and power outage. But other than that, working from home is way different from the office environment in so many aspects.

What are the effects?

Whenever I am asked to join meetings and/or asked to defend on scorecards I feel nervous, way too much that I had to cry it out so I would feel a bit better. Way back in the office it won't affect me that much and the pressure is lessen because of my colleagues who is always there to cheer me up and tell me I can do it. Now, I have to be my own,"cheer up!" and "you can do it!". And this started my realization about mental health.

There was one time when I had it all piled up, the stress and the pressure mixed up with those teammates who were not even concern with how their absences and will issue affects the whole team, it gotten through me.

I had the feels that my blood pressure really went up with that numbness on my neck and the back of my head then followed by blurry vision.

I was a dedicated person. I wanted to impress my Boss through numbers and performance because my Managers were one of the best! But it is when I was aiming to be recognized when I met these individuals who were just way too impossible to deal with that it came to a point that other than having that highblood pressure and me getting sick with a 39 degrees temperature I also breakdown twice.

It affected my immune system. I cannot even control my emotion and there are times when I just cry on my station. And because I was demotivated, there were cases when I fell asleep and just let things be. Then when I log off as I end my shift I would have to face my kids and attend to them. I felt so grumpy for the past weeks. I shout easily to my daughters and even slap them on their butt. There were time when I had to walk away because it feels like I wanted to just shout at them and slap them so hard.

I am becoming a monster and it scares me.

It came to a point when I wanted to just resign. But how come? How can a mother like me resign? How can a breadwinner come out of this prison of responsibilities? These things made it hard to choose myself.

How am I coping?

I requested 2 days leave 16-17 but I had to ask for it to be extended for at least one more day, but if I am to listen to my mind and heart I wanted a week or two vacation so I can think things over. But I am grateful that I am given this leave to breath. Since I am working from home, I had to set up AUTOMATIC REPLY to all people sending me emails and would probably send me a message. I have to be at peace. I have to turn off my notifications and if possible I will log off my facebook so I won't be tempted to read our group chat in messenger which of course most of the conversation is related to work.

Then, I went out with my partner to buy some stuffs. Because tomorrow is me and my youngest birthday! But one thing, I do not feel like I am having one. I am happy for my daughter but I cannot be happy for ME and that is something I would have to focus on.

I also found out this certain way where you can chat anonymously and talk about life. There is a test that I have tried to undergo online regarding mental health and here's the result:

It did not even shock me as this is already what I felt. Everything confuses me and I always feel so tired like I am running everyday. My body and mind is both synch, shouting for rest and just peace.

On my next article, I will share it to you. To those going through something who are afraid or embarrass to talk about it to others then you can do it this way. I have not tried the chat but will try to check it out too and will share it to you.

...end thoughts...

Thank you for reading my dilemma. Hope no one would judge me. And to those who are going through the same battles, still continue to strive hard and move forward. Surely, we can do it!

By the way, how are you? :)