This is not fun to read. You don't have to read because it's just an emotional and negative space. I just want to express my emotions here.
It's already 1:00 AM here and I'm typing using my cellphone for the very 1st time. I don't want to open my laptop because my cousin and friend are already sleeping.
I'm here alone drinking hot cocoa at this hour. I'm still sad without any reasons... I know this feeling cause I'm living with it since I start struggling with life in general. And shutting myself down won't help because when I did it before.. I got worst and it went down to depression, like I want to end everything for once.
That's why I'm here. Sharing the darkest side of my mind. It's hard to share to other people. I experienced someone said "calm down, it's all in your head, get over with it, pray".. Sometimes you don't have to tell anything.. it's more than enough that we know that someone is listening without judgements.
Unless they experienced it.... They'll never understand the struggles of having one. I'm always fighting with my mind almost everyday. Oh gosh, I'm crying now... Praying to God to give me more strength..for me to realized the root of this emotions.
Why I always keep myself busy? Because I don't want my mind to idle...coz the idle's mind is the devil's playground., unless I'm meditating and doing Yoga. I always have that thoughts that I don't deserve to rest, I feel guilty if I have no accomplish before the day ends. I have this thoughts that I failed. I failed my parents, I failed my family, I failed my past self and I keep on failing myself. No matter how hard I try to keep going and push myself.
But it's not always the case. If I'm okay I'm always positive and bright. No room for negative thoughts.. But if I have an attack.. It's the opposite. That's why everytime anxiousness hits me I always talk to myself.. " it's okay... You'll be fine.. You're just tired.. You're just sleepy". I'm in the process of training my mind to be strong. Stronger than my anxiety, stronger than my darkest thoughts...
Let me feel the emotions for now. I'll be okay soon. I surpassed even the suicidal thoughts that I had back then.. I'll surpass this too.
I hope that nobody read this one. I just need to let it out. I wasn't able to write it properly. I just type what's on my mind.
Speechless. For a second I thought if I was the one who told you those words the other night. It is really hard to find the right words to say to people who's under anxiety, depression and suicidal. I have a friend who always say that she wants to die because of the problems that she is experiencing right now. Yes I did told her that I am here whenever she wants to talk to me but not physically because of our current situation. And she kept on saying if I'll still be able to make it. I got speechless again. So every now and then I would text her how her day went or tell her some stories. I don't know if I was able to help her but hey, I am also here for you ok? Huuuuugs!