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@Eybyoung more from that month

One thing I will never have in this existence.

I was about to finish the article about how I made the Club1BCH logo and its meaning but after reading the bmjc98 article about the sad story, suddenly I want to write too. Most of my writings are from personal experience, if not then from my learnings. So now I will write another personal story again if this will bore you, you can skip this one. Since I was an embryo, my biological father left my mother. I didn't even have the chance to have a glance at a man who donated his semen that made my creation. Every girl longs to have a father. A father, who will protect her at any cost, a father who will try to grow his muscles preparing to smash all those badass lurking around his little girl. I long to have that, I am not a hypocrite not to long for a father's affection. I am always strong outside, convincing that I grew up well despite that I don't have a father but I cannot deny the fact that there is a big question mark in my heart. What if I had a father, will my situation differ? What if I had a father, would I build thicker walls around me? What if I had a father, will there be a better version of me? What if I had a father, would I have a better career because I finished my bachelor's degree? Those questions always linger on my mind, but I cannot answer them. Sometimes, I just console myself that I am doing great, that I am awesome in my ways just to keep going. It takes a lot of time to understand myself because I've been through a lot just for one reason, being fatherless. I've been bullied because of that, I received a lot of hate because of that. I always wonder before why I have to suffer all of it just because I am fatherless. Being fatherless in the first place is not easy, more uneasy when other people hurt you for the same reason. I even believe before, that I am cursed or something because of those sufferings but every time I came to realize that my body parts are complete and functional, that I am not the only one who is facing problems in this world, I am relieved. There are a lot of people who are terminally ill, physically and mentally and I am way better than that, those are consoling thought for me. I am grown up now, but still, there are times I get emotional especially if I am thinking “what if I had a father?” but still I cannot answer it, I know I cannot change the past anymore, so I just focused on finding my ways in the future. One thing I would never have in this existence is to have a father. You might wonder where he is? What is the story behind it, actually, I also don't know? Mom told me, he was a married man that she got fooled by him. Every time I asked her about him, she gets mad and told me the man already died. Even his name, I cannot remember, a long time ago I asked my mom and keep telling me other names, that he is Peter then, later on, he is Paul, Simon, etc. The only name she mentioned that never change was his last name, so how would I find him? But sometimes I would say, why would I waste my time finding the man who never bothered to find me, who left me in the first place? So, until now I didn't dare to dig deeper, waste of time. I will just focus on making myself better after becoming a broken soul. I am just glad, my little girl had a loving father seeing them would be the outlet of my imagination how it feels to have a father. Enough for the drama of my life, if you are reading until this part, I hope you didn't suffer things like this, it makes me sad but if you then just kept going, better days lies ahead let's keep our eyes forward and don't look back.

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