@Ellehcim
edited
more from that month
R U Ok?
**April 9, 2021** **Are you okay?** The clock strikes **10:15pm**, and the moment I asked myself this question, tears streamed down without effort. I have been trying to make myself believe that *"I am okay"* when I really am not. It's because I can't think of any reason to be sad. As if feeling sad for no reason is a morbid sin that I have to avoid at all costs. It's true. No matter how I think, there is really no specific reason to feel sad nor have no energy in almost everything. It maybe because, I am not that happy with what I am currently doing in my life. Or how miserable I feel thinking I haven't achieved something remarkable at age 21. Or maybe, these are the pent up emotions I have been holding in through all these years. All those *"It freakin' hurts"* that I chose to ignore, those *"It's unfair!"* that I chose to not say, Or those *"I am not okay"* that I masked with *"I am feeling great!"* whenever someone asks how I am doing. There were moments where my heart hurt so much, but I was able to hold back and appear strong so I can not be an additional burden. There were also instances where I have always been wronged, accused of the things I didn't do, but I chose to not argue as it will make things more complicated. Even I know in myself that I did nothing wrong. It's also common to me to do my best at not talking back even I want to tell how I really feel, because doing it automatically means I am a disrespectful person. I have kept a lot of hurt and burdening thoughts in mind for years, that I may have forgotten most of them. *But these moments, are what bring those back like a photo book that flips on its own.* *It's this time when the lights are off, and everyone else are asleep. Where no physical voice can overpower the inner voice that whimpers everyday, like a child longing to be heard, longing to be understood.* There are many situations too, that I attempted to give an honest answer if someone asks me the three magic words: **Are you okay?** For once, in my life, I want to say that **I AM NOT.** No explanation needed. Maybe the reason I always say that I am okay is that I have no energy to explain why I am NOT. *For once, I just want to openly say how I really feel without the need to validate it*.
I just want to shout at the top of my lungs, *"I am not OKAY!"* and then cry out loud, or hit things, or make a fuss like a baby asking for milk.. and get a hug in the end. An embracing hug that will calm me down, and eventually let me cry in silence. No words needed. I don't need that person to understand all my sentiments. I just need a hug, and someone who'll listen. Even if I complain from the biggest to smallest things, I just want someone to listen and not judge. *For once.* And right now, I am crying without a sound, imagining this scene in my head, and through writing this, it felt like I have let out some weight even in just a simple way, and I am still thankful. *Tonight, the moon is the first audience to see me cry, and the stars are the first to hear my whimpers, my silent prayers, that one day, I can confidently say* ***"I AM OK"*** *without lying, without a doubt.* Thanks a lot for coming by. I appreciate it so much. :) Come start writing and earning here, if you haven't yet! https://read.cash/r/Ellehcim I am also active on noise.cash. Same username, let me know and let's talk there! https://noise.cash/u/Ellehcim *****To God be all the glory.*****
2 comments
"Tonight, the moon is the first audience to see me cry, and the stars are the first to hear my whimpers, my silent prayers, that one day, I can confidently say "I AM OK" without lying, without a doubt." That was beautiful! I don't know what it is about read cash but somehow I'm always open and honest when interacting here, so I'll admit something I'd normally never admit: Your article drew tears. I'm crying right now. Your article is so recognizable to me and rips memories from the dark dungeons where they were hidden away demanding attention. I too fear the silence in the night, when there's no one around and there is nothing to do except think. But you have barely begun your true life. You're at the beginning of your adult life and you can change it into whatever you want. You can still take control, realize that nothing or no one is going to magically give you what you want, or make the things you don't want go away. You're 21! Realistically you've got 80 years ahead of you. Think about the question "Is this how I want to spend the next 80 years?" and if the answer is "No." then ask yourself how you do want to spend that time. If you don't know, go out into the world and experience as much and as different as you can, and maybe you'll find something that inspires you. Doing nothing, going nowhere, is an almost guarantee that nothing will ever change. I hope you'll have that day you'll say "i am ok" someday!
Aww, I appreciate this so much, my friend. Even this is more of less than 7 months ago, you still took time to read it, and share your insights. Thanks a lot, I can't express my gratitude through words. 🤧 I was actually crying writing this back then, and compared to now, I still feel this way from time to time. Aren't all of us like this, though? We try to be okay, or at least force ourselves to be, because it's not like we have a choice. We gotta live and continue to live, even everything sucks. But that won't change the fact that all of us are yearning to be *Okay*. I mean, sincerely okay, without pretend.