I still remember the first time you talked to me. It was so sudden and unexpected because I never thought I'd receive a message from you. At first, I thought your message was offensive enough that doesn't deserve to be replied to. But because I was curious about who you were, I still replied with some sarcasm in it.
I must confess, my first impression of you is arrogant. And I think you already knew about it because I was frank enough to say of what I think of you. But I gave you the chance to prove me wrong. And indeed, I was wrong about you.
You were not arrogant. I misinterpreted your kindness. You were generous. You were supportive.
Hours turned into days, and days turned into weeks. I was easily attached to you because we would always talk every day.
Some days you would go missing and that's the time I would wonder what happened to you. I would think, maybe you lost your phone. Maybe you forgot your password. The worst is I would think that you got yourself into an accident.
Then you would come back again. You would ask me how am I and we'll talk as if nothing happened as if you did not go missing the whole time.
I was already attached. I thought I was already falling in love with you.
But you lost me.
You lost me the moment you left me wondering if you were still there.
You lost me when you chose to ignore my message and did not reply to my texts.
You lost me when you chose to give your attention to someone else instead of me.
You lost me when you gave me false hopes and pretty little lies.
You lost me when I needed you the most but you were not there for me.
You lost me when you left me hanging.
But then, I realize, I also lost you.
I lost you because of my insensitivity that even if you try your best to show your feelings, I still wouldn't feel anything at all.
I lost you because of my childishness that I can't keep up with how mature your thinking is.
I lost you because I'm too jealous and I'm a little toxic every time I behave that way.
I lost you when I chose to let my pride and ego be bigger than my love for you.
I lost you when I drove you away because that is what I am good at, driving people away from me.
You lost me. I lost you.
My mind already knows that you are gone but my heart chooses to believe that you are still there. My heart wants to think that you are still waiting.
Maybe I am still too young for love.
Maybe I still don't understand the concept of commitment and relationships.
Maybe all of these things were just part of a game.
Maybe I was just carried away that I let my emotions, this infatuation, build up inside my heart.
My heart is aching. My mind is trembling.
Sometimes, I even wish that I wake up with amnesia. That in just a second, I already forgot about you. That you did not happen and you don't exist.
But my heart is a traitor. It already reserved a space for you.
Oh how I wish you were just an illusion, but you are not.