I have to acknowledge my emotions because if not, it will make my life a little more miserable. But I also have to let all of these feelings go to avoid having a bigger scar left on my heart.
It was not so long ago when I started to feel what I should not feel, when I began to dream what I should not dream of, when I started up acting differently from the way I was, when I began being so excited about the things that could be, when I was slowly opening my heart, letting my guard down, just to welcome a stranger, called Love, to my life. That's what I thought, but was it really it?
It was intentional. I knew what I was putting myself into. I became a water that just wanted to flow in the river of hopes and dreams but was full of questions, doubts, and uncertainties. I knew from the start that it would end like this, where I am feeling heartbroken, even though nobody hurt me but myself. I knew that this would be the consequence of my actions but I still let my emotions get the best of me.
My brain and my heart had been in a constant battle between who should reign. For once in my life, I wanted my heart to win. I wanted myself to feel how it is to actually love someone wholeheartedly- to fall in love with the idea of being in love while entirely being in love. Does that even make sense?
For a moment, unnoticeably, I let my heart gain a victory. I was vocal about my feelings, acknowledged them, and showed them in the best possible ways I can. I wasn't a stranger to this kind of emotion, but every time I encounter it, everything just feels new to me.
I love beating around the bush, like how I am now, but I hope I was able to deliver the message I wanted to convey to you.
I remained hopeful with my conviction that there is someone out there who is destined for me to love for the rest of my life, and at some point, I wished it was you. I have my own sets of attributes that I look for in a man. There were some that you possessed, but most of them were missing. However, I disregarded that fact because I thought, maybe, I was already 'in love' that I overlooked the imperfect parts and saw them perfectly.
I was drowning in the fantasy that our worlds would someday collide, that all of the spoken words actually mean something and not just some nuisance, that all of the gestures shown were honestly genuine, that you and I could actually be a thing, that I would get to experience how it is to be loved by you, and that my mind and heart were slowly being deceived that everything was certainly real.
But I was hit by the reality that it's just a fantasy. Then again, I myself was deluded and my fragile heart was a traitor, it believed what it wanted to believe.
My heart was fooled which gave me a roller coaster ride of emotions. One day, I would wake up feeling so in love as if I already found the one, but another day, I would also wake up wondering if you also feel the same way towards me. One day, I would feel so sure about my feelings as if I was so ready to take the risk, but another day, I would be so confused especially when I feel like it will only be neglected.
My excitement grew bigger, I started to think that even though I am not your first love, you will be my first and hopefully the last, and this love will make all your other loves irrelevant.
But all these imaginations were just formulated because of my fragile heart.
They say love is a gamble, and in order to win, one must learn how to take the risk. But I couldn't put my heart at stake for something that is not certain, that makes me feel confused, and that will leave it broken and bruised.
Or maybe I was sure of how I felt, but I was and is not yet brave enough to stand for how I feel because, maybe, I know it won't end the way I want it to. But if it worked out, perhaps, I will still not be ready to be committed amidst all these doubts and uncertainties.
Even if it was just for a short while, I am grateful I've felt all these emotions- being happy, in love, excited, jealous, saddened, crushed.
If in the future, we get to meet again, I will welcome you with open arms, but for now, this is goodbye to this stranger in my life.