CultOfCryptoShoppe Is Forming Soon?[Satirical Article]

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1 month ago

Going to bullshit my way to the top. If that doesn’t work I’ll vote Yang Gang 2020 so I get handouts to sit on my rump playing PUBG all day.


We can achieve speeds beyond duplexing and scale Bitcoin far beyond its current specs. Why because I made the fucking word up and the Twitter Bot armies would taste the propaganda spiked koolaid any day for the right price.

Looks like a good playbook to steal for my own bullshit..

Quasi Byzantine Fault Tolerance

Sounds like a real algorithm to switch Bitcoin to right. Just gotta plagiarize some papers to upload on SSRN.

Adaptive Garbage Collection in Code

I will bullshit everyone into thinking this is true and Bitcoin can scale way faster so I get those government grants. Then I’ll escape to Belize with the loot.

Patent Trolling stuff I didn’t even make

That’s right if anonymous authors that are dead I can steal their work and patent troll it. Rule of Law, I just need a creepy old man as my financier and it’s all good.

Rehash CultOfCore/CultOfCraig Bullshit

I can steal the punchlines from BTC Troll accounts and rehash to the CultOfCryptoShoppe. One Bitcoin, all altcoins are illegal scams, single ledger and legal threats to other Bitcoin Camps.


I will make up rewritten “original” documents to prove he is wrong, once he starts exposing the CultOfCryptoShoppe Bullshit. Will have to award myself a few fake academic degrees to stall him from finding out the truth.

Trademark Bitcoin for the lulz

Doing it, because Dr. Craig Wright will go nuts over it.

Fake Hashwar with Bitcoin Cash (BCH)

I will sucker BCH into defending their network from a hashwar on April 1st, but will tell them 15 minutes later I forked off for the ultimate troll.

Bitcoin Byzantine Version (BBv)

The CultOfCryptoShoppe will form around the new BBv Coin. DPoS or DAO like coin with me as the God Emperor and my general level “CryptoShoppe Shills” as the 21 Block Producers.

Ginger Chicks

Damn right gotta have them as my main influencers.

BBW’s Chicks

We don’t allow bigots to smear Large Ladies in BBv, Fatism is racism for thick people. Big Beautiful Women are welcomed with open arms.

Steady Manwhoring

After spending my exit scam loot on Gastric Sleeve Surgery and loosing some weight I’m steady “macking” with those hottie chicks.

Living Prophet

After my coin reaches 8 on CoinMarketCap I will ordain myself a Living Prophet who has attained Godhood (On April 1st). Why because paid morons will go along with it and it’s an epic troll. Will reveal it’s all bullshit next April 1st.

Burlington Island as Home Base

Abandoned Burlington Island in New Jersey was unused for many years. Would make a good spot to begin a religious Bitcoin commune. It’s even got tons of trees and a giant lake within the Island. Considering how broke New Jersey is, I’d think they’d sell it for the right price.

Many Wives

During my rein as fake Living Prophet I will have many wives from many different races to prove I’m not a bigot and race doesn’t matter.

Closing Statement

Not really going to form the CultOfCryptoShoppe, we had enough of the cultist shit in Bitcoin Space. Article was just a troll article for the luz.

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1 month ago
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