Replaceable

Life is good, you might say. Or that's what I have been told. Questions are in my head, struggles that I face everyday. I wonder, "What would it be like to have no feelings?" in an attempt to leave a peaceful and normal existence. I ask, "Why is my life constantly a video on rewind?" The feeling of being worthless is perhaps not the worst feeling that can be felt. I believe that probably the worst feeling is the one that I experience daily - not being good enough - capable of being replaced or forgotten.

Everyone likes to say that others are important, others are worth it, and others are the reason why they live. That can't be entirely true or even partially true. I have friends who when I think about them, they can bring a smile to my face. There are also other that I am acquainted with that, just by thinking of them, my mood can sour quickly. I used to say, "I admire and thank those people who had previously and still constantly make my life bad, because without them, I would be dead right now. I couldn't live with the feeling and the thought that with my death, I would be giving them a part of me- a sense of victory." I don't know why I don't still think like that. I believe that everyone is replaceable, at least, I clearly am.

Maybe all I want is to have someone in my life. Someone who tells me, daily, that I'm good enough, that I'm worth it, that I'm their reason to live. Someone who encourages me, someone who looks at my eyes and can see the truth and the pain behind the glassy and dark sea. Maybe someone who loved me, just as much as I loved them. I try to be that person for someone else. I tell them that they are talented, that they are hilarious, that they make my existence worth it. But no one tells me that back. Out of probably 5 or 6 people that I have attempted to be their reason for life, or simply just a shoulder to lean on, a ear to hear, a voice to echo, none of them have told me anything similar in return. Perhaps they haven't realized, that under this "nice" masquerade, I'm crying out for help. I'm not trying to be "nice", so others can be "nice" back.

I'm trying to send radar signals indicating that I need someone to be my nightingale (quoting Demi Lovato's Nightingale song), in a sense. I've been made fun of when I stated that I needed a nightingale. Even the closest of my friends, or maybe rather I should say "friend", had tortured me daily by making fun when I told her I needed a nightingale. I had meant that in a sense that I needed a hero, a "light to take me home", but rather, as she is and does not know about my past and thoughts, she interpreted it as that I was hungry for love. That I was "desperate" and "clingy". But do you realize how important it is for someone like me to have a nightingale? Someone to follow, someone to look up to, someone to trust in.

I don't know what hurts more, not being able to find a reason to live, or rather, a friend that leaves you for someone better. Probably the second reason. I've had it happen at least two times, and the third case is pending. If my life is a video on replay, how come I can't find the fast-forward button?

I hate the fact that I'm so "clingy" and "insecure" and that I constantly compare myself to models or other people. I hate the fact that I am not impressed or content with my own body. I hate the way that I look myself yet I keep striving for perfection. I haven't done much and haven't accomplished much progress. I'm not sure what is more important, my weight or rather the amount of fat I can feel above or below my hips. Or how my thighs touch when I stand with my toes touching together. They say that it is due to genetics and the placement of your hips. I say it is due to fat and lack of exercise. I can't walk miles on weekends anymore - it's the end of the school year, I must "finish strong". But when I have the time, what will I do? Will I try and run miles? Will I just continue walking 15 minutes miles on the treadmill, being absent-minded, and just simply listen to songs about love and heartbreak?

I would say that I'd like to join a track team in high school. But I know that I can't. Tryouts would be a disaster for me, or even worst is the fact that I have never done track - never seen a meet, never been to a practice, never run. I'd like to join, I mean, isn't it more incentive for me to reach perfection? If I've never been to track, never seen how it's done, how will I expect myself to go to tryouts. Wouldn't I just make a fool of myself?

How is it that I am never good enough? I don't have perfect grades, but I try my best as much as I can, at least. I'm terrible at friendships because everyone is too scared of me, there's too much history, too much bias, too much hate, directed against a single person. Why is it that they cannot forgive and move on? I've tried to, but what can I do? I'm not a skinny person, I'm not 5 feet tall and 80 pounds. Is that the reason why I cannot be like them? I'm not perfect and I'd like to say that I don't try to be, but truth be told, I admire perfection.

Something that kills me is that I don't even know my weight anymore. Sure, I have an estimated what, 105 pounds that the doctors told me? I'm not even sure if the scale is accurate or was that a "heavy" or "light" day for me. I look back on the days with nostalgia, the days in which I could control my weight, until I reached the high 80s or low 90s. Seems like forever ago, but it was only merely a year ago. Maybe I've gained muscle, you might reason. I don't think so. I can feel the flab and fat around my waste. I look at my too-large shoulders and sigh. My thighs are too big; I'm too short.

What would be easier? Ignoring the words and just try to move on? Or responding back with some words of my own? i would say the first option, but we all know that is a lie. Even if the other words stopped, the harshest words, hashest critic would be screaming at me, yelling me at me to try and reach perfection. Simply said, that is the voice inside of me that I fear the most. Why can't I be my own warrior, and my own hero?

Maybe I should strengthen myself up and look myself in the eye and announce to the world, show the world, that I am stronger than they think I am, I am a hero for myself. Everytime I try and love my body, my body-positive moments, they are always shattered within days, if not hours. Why is it that I am strong enough to seriously injure someone but I cannot stand up for myself and I cannot build a wall strong enough to keep my own voice out? How is it that I can pretend to be someone I'm not, yet slowly kill the remaining part of me inside?

What is it that I must change? I'm hoping high school allows for me to cut away the words that people have labeled me for the past few years and hopefully I can make new friends without the bias of my history. I'll keep a handful of old friends, that's for sure, but maybe it's time to let a few them go. Maybe over the summer I'll run a mile every day or do some sort of sprinting exercise, so even if I don't have enough guts to try out for track, I'll be more fit and attractive, right? Being fit is being attractive, and being attractive gives you friends, and friends are a source of love?

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My Previous Article :

• The only man in my heart

• Don't give up to your dreams because the surrender is defeated

• Today is a second day of the month of July

• How do you deal with Anxiety and Depression

• Writing my future: Questions

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