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Emptiness

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Avatar for Caroline17
Written by   113
2 months ago
  • First thought

Sailing thru the unknown, steering past the peer. Nothing's there. I found a place to relapse, a noise in my mind. I placed my hand on the sand, and never looked back. I am landing on your breath; it's starting to pick away at me but I don't want what your eyes hold. Falling one-by-one she's all that I bleed so that I am landing on my own.

I really miss being a regular person. I mean, I barely even remember what it felt like, but I feel like it was good. I just want to be normal. Why can't I just be a regular person? Why do I always have to disassociate from everything? I'm literally mindless at this point, I can't remember the last time I actually had my own points to add to a conversation. I go to school, I go home, I go to bed, and there's just nothing. And on the off chance that I do respond to things, I absolutely lash out and just ruin everything for no reason. Why do I live? Why do I ask myself? Why must I get so obsessed with one person that I carve their name onto my body? Why can't I just be a normal teenager?. There are literally no pictures of me after july of last year, and it sucks. I just want to be normal. I want to like myself enough that I can take a photo, and I want to be able to relate to my friends and not just mindlessly go along with whatever they're saying. I want to wake up and feel anything other than complete and utter emptiness. I'm absolute poison, I destroy everything good in this world. I'm self-sabotaging, destructive, obsessive and I just don't care. I deserve to just die I guess, I have poison on me and it's not gonna be better.

I don't know what happiness is.

Life can't prove anything anyway, it's our dreams. We are seeing through the illusion of independent self-nature, is it the absence of essence? What is the reality of things by all means.?

My feeling of desolation hit me once a sec, scarcity of my isolation give me answers; then all society mechanism's controls arise in one view. Horrifying and grisly truth. To feel nothing hurts, it's changing you, it tooks everything, and leaves bullet hole in your heart. I could not describe the worst feeling but a know that its inside me, inside each one but its not revealed yet, it could be the smallest thing that push you over the edge, what do you do when there is nothing but pain left inside you? And what if everything we were looking for only existed in our dreams.? How can I explain something I don't even understand myself? I don't have any emotion, any feeling, any joy. I'm cold I suppose, I feel so empty and I'm not happy, cause happiness comes with wisdom. I'm nothing. I don't feel anything like I'm already dead. I am unable to describe what is the matter with, anxiety or hallowness, I don't really know. Illusion of my lucid dreams otherwise, it's better to look at the sky than live there. Such an empty place; so vague. Just a country where the thunder goes and things disappear. I'm not interesting, it's just my cavity talking shit when I'm alone.

  • Final Pansy

Image Source: Unsplash

Life is meaningless. I do not want to die, but I do not want to live either. I want to close my eyes, and let the emptiness take me, somewhere distant and away from it all.

I fathom into the chasm of my absence, reasoning my debt toward my filthiness; ignoring my cogent illness who's hazing this bivalence.

The feeling?

It's a soul sickness, an insatiable feeling of self-loathing and incompleteness. The feeling of longing to fade into nothingness, wishing to seize existing but rarely grasping on for the sake of those who love you.

Lying on the bed of being, to dream of being elsewhere. I look through the window but I see only black, it is my relief, it makes me think about life to death, I do not sleep more, eat no more, do not walk by reflection, but in truth I have not much to lose, everyone lies without complex, for fear of not being up, but I do not lie cause I'm dizzy. Always alone we become almost crazy and we see this slayer like jesus coming out of the bowels of hell, only with my cigarette the atmosphere changes thru time. But what time? Then there is this bullet in the belly, alone nothing gives more envy, patience flees drop by drop and the vase is well filled. We are magicians without doves, let out of our hat a knife and stab every time. There is a list of people we want to make disappear, the weight of differences that put us aside, deep inside us it's hard to tell us, we know how it will end. This effect! It hides behind the smoke, hideous remorse, dark thoughts, I do not fear death I have no heart, we are enough dupe to smoke, in any case we die. The misery does not justify the end, --I have several dreams but no goal-- that's what makes me always in the same place. My mind remains locked up, in a cage full of dirt, I only expect misery, and I only count my hours, my gazed fixed on this clock, makes me an artist stuck in his box.

It's scary to be ready to die at such a young age.

We wait for death without fear, why finish it early?

Success is often marginal, things could be hard for you, just keep pushing on, got some memories that you look upon, so as you never forget, to live your life with a mind set.

Lead Image Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/ZiR_hfn5i40

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Avatar for Caroline17
Written by   113
2 months ago
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Comments

Your pieces have always deep meanings. And as your reader, I really have to dig deeper more than what is written. I don't know where you are getting this, but I know that you can get out from the darkness that succumbs you.

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2 months ago

This reminds me of dark days, not a good thing to look back to but thinking where I am now, it's a relief to get out of. We have to feed our mind with anything else but darkness. Let us surround ourselves with positive people, those that will uplift us and guide, to make us believe in the goodness of people and everything again.

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2 months ago

The feeling of longing to fade into nothingness, wishing to seize existing but rarely grasping on for the sake of those who love you.

I felt this a lot.

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2 months ago

relate. I am between the feeling of not wanting to die but also lacks the energy to live. so hard though but we have no choice but to keeo going

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2 months ago

The deep thoughts of emptiness are like the progeny for gaining the torch of lights. See how far the lights go even it's only one. It could be the sun for some. I also felt the same thought other times like before, but for me being empty is such a way of understanding the weakness that could be done to be strong. Have a nice day carol.

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2 months ago

Good day din ❤Tama ka pare.! Yung weakness talaga nagiging isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit mas nagiging mas strong ka sa lahat ng pagsubok sa buhay

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2 months ago

I need to read it three times, ang lalim. Pero sana medyo okay na ka ngayon, kasi parang sa thoughts mo may something ka pinag dadaanan...

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2 months ago

Tama ka Sis meron kaya nilalabas ko nalang sa pagsusulat para kahit papano mabawasan :)

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2 months ago

Sana maging ka agad sis 😔

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2 months ago

Yours, thoughts, and emotions are always so deep.

$ 0.02
2 months ago

Thank you sa appreciate Ms. Jane 🥰 akala ko magiging magulo padin ang article ko . Nag base din po ako dyan sa true story ko at sa mga friends ko :)

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2 months ago

Sobrang lalim sis. Napapaisip ako bigla. You amazingly wrote this piece. I can really feel the emptiness while reading.

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2 months ago

Talaga Sis ? Thank You :) alam kong kulang pa ako sa kakayahan pero nakakatuwa na may ganyan nagsasabi sakin 😊 . Feel talaga yan kasi with feelings mo binasa

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2 months ago

Why so lonely? The emptiness, I feel it. Ang lalim.

$ 0.02
2 months ago

Sorry Sis , base yan sa true story ko before and my friends. Pero ngayon. I'm very okay na. Masaya na life ko ngyon. 😊❤ thank you po.

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2 months ago

Stay happy lang talaga sis. Yan ang importante. 💗

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2 months ago

Ang lalim, hindi ko maabot 🥺 ganda ng pagka gawa

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2 months ago

Ayiee🤩 Really ? Unexpected sis haha ang tagal ko pinag isipan yan kasi mga last article ko ang gulo na basahin.

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2 months ago

Really. ☺️

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2 months ago

I felt the emptiness and loneliness while reading this..

Pero napahanga mo ako mars. You're an amazing writer talaga. Galing ng pagkagawa mo..❤️

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2 months ago

Thank you Mare sa always na pagpuri mo sakin 😊 baka lumaki ulo ko hehe pero alam ko naman sa sarili ko na more pa iba parin talaga kapag Fluent na sa english

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2 months ago

You're always welcome mars. Pero promise bilib ako sa mga ginagawa mo mars.. ❤️

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2 months ago