Weekend's Dose of Anxiety

This is a never-ending attack to me. It's the usual but it still feels like new to me everytime. I don't like seeing any experts on this field because I don't want to be exposed with medicines. The problems that triggers my anxiety as often doesn't have any end also and that is why if I ever take medications and therapies, I'll only just get addicted to it. It's better not to. I still can handle this and I can still fight.

You are just sitting in your room with a peaceful mind but that thought suddenly hits you, making you question your decisions in life. You need to rethink about all of it just to validate if those plans will surely work or not. Even if that plan was already validated months ago, you still have to recheck the process and find some loopholes as if you can find one. When you can find one, then there the overthinking starts until midnight. The fear of failing kicks in and the alternative plan is needed to rescue my sanity.

Lucky, if I can find one, if not, then fears and worries will storm within me. It wouldn't leave me alone until I breakdown. Our brain and emotions are powerful indeed. They can manipulate me in just seconds. Just one blink and my perspective will change. It is always testing my sanity, capability, and perseverance. It is always just like a test of survival. If you lose, then cry but if you win, you can move forward. It is never been good to compare myself with others but sometimes, I also get insecured. I have to battle myself to lift my spirits and be positive.

Source: advantagementalhealth.com

I'm not yet a melodramatic one, ain't I?

I'm sure that I'm not faking it. This is all true but they can't understand that. The only one who understand me is myself. Perhaps, I'm bipolar. I don't know but it feels like one but I don't care about it. The most important thing to me is that I can still manage to get out of the darkness everytime. I don't want a lot of drama, either. As much as all of you here don't like it too, it's also a cringe thing to me. But if you are exposed to it everyday, it feels like just a normal thing.

This weekend, it gave me a full roller coaster rides of emotions. I can laugh hard and smile because of the people of the discord but when stray away from my phone, unlikely thoughts would follow. I thought that I already have graduated from being too emotional but it's nothing like that, I realized this far. That side of me will never be eradicated, I guess. I just have to live with it and embrace that kind of sensitivity and toxicity.

I have to always thank the people here in the blogging world. They often divert my attention from things that I shouldn't supposed to think of. I look like a bipolar that laughing and being in a good mood when talking but it's another personality when I'm just alone. I feel like getting addicted to discord now, just so I could escape the negativities that is haunting me everytime.

I supposed to be worshipping God since it's Sunday but these feelings have gotten to me first. I just need to wrote these sh*ts to get it out of my head and feel good again later. Perhaps, I'm really just forgetfull about things that I promised to improve that part. I need to recall what I have started aiming to get all the determination and courage that I have gathered in me to move forward.

Just taking some sh*ts again. There is really a big disadvantage when you are just living alone. You are surely capable of being independent and deal alone with your finances but mental health is a different issue.

Anyway, if you have read this far, thanks for reading!

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