No Regrets 'Cause It Should Be That Way.

Being young and relentless, failures and mistake is expected. The immaturity is strong that it makes them think that they are right when they have their reasons. They will stand firm on their decision and would not listen to anyone. As long as they have their reason, they will go for it.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that this is a thing for youngsters in general. I'm just speaking in behalf of my experiences and to anyone who has similar experience with me.

I'm too sensitive, but not in a way that I will be hurt by criticisms and corrections that I will be receiving every time. I'm sensitive with my surroundings. I somehow know how to read between the lines, the atmosphere in a room, and much as well the words I can hear in a conversation though I can't see who's talking.

Just hearing how my parents fight every night while my other siblings are still sleeping, I'm the one who often feel the pain for them all. I'm too sensitive for that young age to just shrugged the situation off. I can't be insensitive like my siblings that will just wake up every morning like nothing bad have happened from the previous night.

I'm not like my siblings. I can understand what's going on at home. My mind wasn't into playing house, streetgames, and toys anymore (which I should have done and enjoy my youth) but I was more into the next step that my father would do everytime. I'm just praying that everytime I hear arguments again at night, there wouldn't be violence involved or I can't help but to commit one, too.

As a teenager who grew up in a toxic environment, rebellion within one's heart will have grown deeply from its roots and will explode until the limits are crossed. By the time that the patience are stretched enough and can no longer be streched more, the sudden pull to snap you back to reality is too surprising that in a blink of an eye, a serious damage was done when it was let go.

The moment that our father lashed it out on us, that boiling anger which I was keeping for years have overflowed. Anger and hatred motivates me to talk back until it also back fired to me and an unfortunate event have happened. It pushed to ran away from home. I know it was wrong but I don't have any other choice.

Image by Camila Cordeiro from Unsplash

I ran to my other relatives whom I have thought that could help me and they did, but it wasn't exactly the way that I have hoped for. I experience things that I have never done at home. I never thought that the helpless and hopeless feeling which I have felt at home would be felt twice as much as that when I'm away from them. Then, another thing have added, I felt worthless every time and I can't helped it.

Though I just felt worse, it never crossed my mind that I should have regretted what I have done. Yes, it was the worst feeling that I ever felt in my life but it has taught me a lot of lessons that I could never forget and that I'm still using them in my life with for now.

What I have done taught me to face the reality in life. It's not always that merry and glories. It doesn't have always cherries and cupcakes. Most of all, it's not always full of rainbows and butterflies. There is also a side of rainy and gloomy. The hottest days and the coldest nights which I felt like the weather is making a fool out of me. In that young age, I have learned the real face of the world and it doesn't always go with the flow of what we wanted it to be.

Another thing is that it taught me how to be independent. I learned ways that can help me survive at a young age. With how introverted I was, I managed to consign pastries from someone I know and sell it to my classmates in class. I'm not that friendly but if I needed to, I can manage it. I do a lot of stuffs as a side hustle on weekends that was supposed to be my rest days, but when you have no one to rely on, weekends are still weekdays.

I learned life's logic at a young age and it taught me how to properly discern things, so I wouldn't get myself into trouble anymore. Yet, I have developed some trust issues with this but for the safety, it just became a regular thing. For once I taught that what I see is what I got, but along the way, it made me realize that it wasn't just like that. Not everything they do and say is always true. Sometimes people who will tell you things that you wanted to hear are the people who will take advantage of you and that one who have the hidden agendas from the start. So, what is trust issues when it can make you safe from fraudsters and scammers.

Those things aren't appropriate for a teen to experience because it was all the worse. On the contrary, instead of regretting and blaming myself for what I have done, I'm even thankful. Yes, I am! It is because if I didn't do that back then, perhaps I would be still ignorant of some things and remain a weakling and helpless that I was. I wouldn't learn how to stand on my own and fight for myself. I wouldn't be the strong and independent woman that I am now if ever. Perhaps, everything really happened for a reason.

This should have been my entry on Hive but I don't want to be much dramatic over there, but I can do it here since you are all used to this. (Peace be with all of you!)

Thanks for reading!

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