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I Become So Numb...

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Avatar for Ayane-chan
Written by   148
1 month ago
Topics: Random, Freewriting

"I feel so much that it is hard for me at times to feel anything at all."

— Mary Kate Teske

At first, I can endure it, no matter how much the pain. I can stand firmly like a wall and walk as nothing happened. It's just pain from a broken heart, I need to live. I stare into the abyss trying to erase those painful memories that I had with you. I don't want to remember it anymore, forget it and forget that. Isn't it what I'm good at? Just forgetting things.

I keep myself as busy as a bee to avert my mind from remembering every single memory. Not a strand of your hair will be reflected in my imagination. Not a single breath of yours will be heard, not even your sighs, to the sound of your walk, to the way you talk. I don't want to hear that laughter, that jokes, that complaint, and that cries. Keep it to yourself because I'm sick of it.

When was the last time that I cried silently at night again? I vaguely remember it. Perhaps I got used to this pain that I can't define anymore and perhaps to all the things around me. It keeps stinging in my heart that I have mastered the art of enduring. What agony, what grief, what sadness, what depression, and what misery? I can't feel them nor differentiate them. I can't shed a tear anymore, maybe my eyes have already dried up from crying out all the pain.

"I'm so numb, I don't know what to say."

— Trina Graham

I feel empty. I can't find words to say nor utter a sound. I can't even find some strength to pull myself up from this couch. How long that I have been here again? I did nothing but sit here and stare into this emptiness trying to find some clue for hope in the mid-air. It may be a week or more now, and I'm still here. Alive and breathing heavily without blinking. I'm stuck and trap in this endless charade of this melodramatic game. Am I even winning over?

"I'm numb and it's a great feeling."

— Clive Cussler

I feel as hollow and as empty as the spaces in my eyes when I stare into oblivion. Somehow, in a way, I can sense some security building up in me saying that I have to stay this way. At least, I can't feel anything anymore. No more pain, no more laughter, no more love, and no more betrayals. As apathetic as they may say, but isn't it wonderful? I can't repeat history anymore nor taste the bitterness of the past. I'm just a lonely soul possessed by a lethargic spirit. I wish I could haunt them but it haunts me instead. I'm not good at blocking but I have been good at forgetting.

Hey, why I'm feeling this way again?


Don't Mind Me There. 😂

Those are just my pointless rambles. Sorry to disappoint if you expected some lyrics from Linkin Park's song, "Numb". But, oh well yes, I'm indeed in pain. I think my nerves in my head would burst at any moment from aching too much. This is the result of waking up at 3 am from an alarm that's not mine and which is wrongly set by its owner. Another colleague woke up from it and got pissed. She shouted, "Let's wake up, everyone!", then played Christmas carols on her phone at the highest volume until 4:30 am. I put my headphones on and played my playlist, then tried to sleep again. It's working, though. I guess, my spirit has been shocked by the noises that it was widely awakened. How fun my morning did go. It's was so much fun that it left my head aching until this time of writing. I don't if I would be happy or pissed. I can't scold them since they are elder than me. I still have some respect.


Oh. Well, thanks!

Thanks for being here again. I greatly appreciate your effort in reading this until the end, though it was just my worthless rambles again. Okay then, stay safe and take care!

From your broke Farm Girl,

@Ayane-chan

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Avatar for Ayane-chan
Written by   148
1 month ago
Topics: Random, Freewriting
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Comments

Mas naigi nalang ang walang pakiramdam ano, para wala ng sakit na mararamdaman. If pwd lang magpa turok ng anaesthesia araw araw kaso bawal nan ang ganon hahaha.

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1 month ago

Di ka na makagalaw nun. Literal na numb talaga yun, hahaha.

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1 month ago

BWAHAHAHAHAHA malamang ssa malamang talaga haha

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1 month ago

Nabansagan na akong Miss Iceberg dito. Hahaha. Mas maganda nga mag-isa ngayon eh. Wala nang makulit, wala pang gastos sa load. Oh jivah? 🤣

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1 month ago

Hahahah, nanlalamig na ang puso ahahahaha. Truth yan if may gastos man sa load para lang sa internet at least dito may return. Ee sa kanila, nvm 🙄😂😂😂

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1 month ago

I felt this ...the numbness I wanted to experience

pero literal na hinintay ko ang lyrics nang numb tapos yung sa sigaw na part hahahah

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1 month ago

Sabi ko na nga ba, daming mag-eexpect niyan. Hahaha.

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1 month ago

hahahaha kakanta na din sana ako eh hahah

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1 month ago

The title of this article reminds me of a song by linking park with the lyrics "I've become so numb I can't feel you there, become so tired so much more aware"... bla bla...

Do you know the song? It's my favourite actually.

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1 month ago

Well, yes. Haha. I have mentioned that in my closing remarks. That's one of my favorite songs.

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1 month ago

Ohhh I was actually wondering who you were asking all these rhetorical questions You’ve really written well dear Keep it up

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1 month ago

I'm just talking nonsense over there. I can't think clearly because I'm having a headache so I just set pain as my topic and a plot out of it. HAHAHA. Thanks for checking this out, anyway.

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1 month ago