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"I feel so much that it is hard for me at times to feel anything at all."
— Mary Kate Teske
At first, I can endure it, no matter how much the pain. I can stand firmly like a wall and walk as nothing happened. It's just pain from a broken heart, I need to live. I stare into the abyss trying to erase those painful memories that I had with you. I don't want to remember it anymore, forget it and forget that. Isn't it what I'm good at? Just forgetting things.
I keep myself as busy as a bee to avert my mind from remembering every single memory. Not a strand of your hair will be reflected in my imagination. Not a single breath of yours will be heard, not even your sighs, to the sound of your walk, to the way you talk. I don't want to hear that laughter, that jokes, that complaint, and that cries. Keep it to yourself because I'm sick of it.
When was the last time that I cried silently at night again? I vaguely remember it. Perhaps I got used to this pain that I can't define anymore and perhaps to all the things around me. It keeps stinging in my heart that I have mastered the art of enduring. What agony, what grief, what sadness, what depression, and what misery? I can't feel them nor differentiate them. I can't shed a tear anymore, maybe my eyes have already dried up from crying out all the pain.
"I'm so numb, I don't know what to say."
— Trina Graham
I feel empty. I can't find words to say nor utter a sound. I can't even find some strength to pull myself up from this couch. How long that I have been here again? I did nothing but sit here and stare into this emptiness trying to find some clue for hope in the mid-air. It may be a week or more now, and I'm still here. Alive and breathing heavily without blinking. I'm stuck and trap in this endless charade of this melodramatic game. Am I even winning over?
"I'm numb and it's a great feeling."
— Clive Cussler
I feel as hollow and as empty as the spaces in my eyes when I stare into oblivion. Somehow, in a way, I can sense some security building up in me saying that I have to stay this way. At least, I can't feel anything anymore. No more pain, no more laughter, no more love, and no more betrayals. As apathetic as they may say, but isn't it wonderful? I can't repeat history anymore nor taste the bitterness of the past. I'm just a lonely soul possessed by a lethargic spirit. I wish I could haunt them but it haunts me instead. I'm not good at blocking but I have been good at forgetting.
Those are just my pointless rambles. Sorry to disappoint if you expected some lyrics from Linkin Park's song, "Numb". But, oh well yes, I'm indeed in pain. I think my nerves in my head would burst at any moment from aching too much. This is the result of waking up at 3 am from an alarm that's not mine and which is wrongly set by its owner. Another colleague woke up from it and got pissed. She shouted, "Let's wake up, everyone!", then played Christmas carols on her phone at the highest volume until 4:30 am. I put my headphones on and played my playlist, then tried to sleep again. It's working, though. I guess, my spirit has been shocked by the noises that it was widely awakened. How fun my morning did go. It's was so much fun that it left my head aching until this time of writing. I don't if I would be happy or pissed. I can't scold them since they are elder than me. I still have some respect.