Carnation in my culture symbolizes eternal grief. I guess I start and end there.
My kid asked me if I have a cancer because she Googled. I had no idea what to tell her. If I say NO, and they find it, what then? I just said what doctors told me, I really don't know. She asked me to endure and not to die at least until she is full grown. I had many bad days for which I thought they are the worst, but that yesterday was the rock bottom.
She also asked me not to ruin her summer by being ill like a previous one, because she wants to go to the beach, and have fun...
It sounds sad. But then again I am not the person who sent me a picture of naked ass guy in high heels from Imgur with the title "Doing anything tonight? Better ass me later" yesterday on MemoCash... thinking that I would somehow like that. Well, I think that his affection is major misplaced.
He said he sent that because he doesn't have tips to give me. Ok ok fine, you can't give $ so you give ass, yeah, I completely understand. No further explanation necessary. Thanks.
And then he asked me if I like that ass from the picture. Well, I don't care so I guess I don't. And I will give a reason why I don't in 1835 years from now when I reincarnate again. If there is somebody to give that reason to.
There is nothing left of me. I have a little interest to give any opinions.
What's left of me sits in the forest at 5am watching baby crows learning to fly. That's the only bond I'm capable to feel right now, because for a vulture to live, something has to die.
Early yesterday morning I saw baby crows again, their vulture parents took them out and held guard while youngsters were attempting to fluff and practice both wings and sounding. I have pictures, but zoom make them a bit blur. Little crows are three times smaller copies of their parents which are almost identical in appearance. In this case the male is almost twice size of a female, but usually the difference is not so big or obvious.
Baby crows were super active today. I watched their parent taunted them to fly baiting them with the piece of bread. Adult bird was fluffing around while eager youngsters followed nervously screeching and ruffling their feathers like they used to do while in nest. Sorry no images I was only a few feet from the happy flock and the moment I moved the birds whisked away.
I think I should get up earlier. I walk early every morning, but I don't think I'm getting enough time with this schedule. I am trying to get as much of the things people take for granted, even when I know I will not take those memories with me.
I am not exaggerating. I know I will die soon. In Saturday I lost feeling in my arms and in my legs without any reason. I spend the day in semi-conscious state and felt cold chills going through my body while standing on a sun. I had no fever.
Weekend was fucked up for me because I fell ill again. Yesterday it was better and today again it is bad. Just for the record I am searching help for my condition from December 2018 and I passed through the numerous horrors since then.
I didn't came home with paper saying that I am ill, so my folks treat me like I am not. I am expected to do all my choirs and on top of that to tend their ailments and daily needs, while me and my problems are invisible. My hubby doesn't understand that I can't constantly take care of his needs and cater around every desire and wish he has.
I am not pretending that I am unable to do stuff or that I am just randomly "constantly sick" for three years.
The only thing he talks about is how money is great, how everyone are envious, how he is highly revered by his peers for own expertise, how everyone loves him, and constant questions when we are going to do this, buy that, keep on renovating our place that we bought just recently, how we are going to travel with our new car as soon he passes driving test... I can't listen to that shit anymore.
He doesn't see what sits next to him. I am watching him with dull expression of motionless doll and my eyes just keep on sinking more and more... while he is telling me how great I look and how great job he does of taking care of me. And then he just continues about himself, the list of the things he wants either to brag about or acquire. I can't listen that shit anymore. None of this is free. My pain is not free.
Yes, it is true I don't have a single gray in my hair that turn surprisingly jet black in last months, but even when my face changed and all my medical results show much younger woman the agonizing pain that reshaped me into this horror that lingers between a semblance of a being and a full fall out is not what I wanted to become. And this is the end.
I can't do those things, not for him, not for anyone. I can't even walk. Three weeks ago I woke up with busted leg and I limp ever since. There is nothing on my leg.
An each morning I wake up soared, stiff, my whole body hurts from tip to toe, my liver feels like a cannon ball in my rib cage waiting to explode, it is pressing on my ribs, first it was one sided now it is on both sides, my entire back hurts insanely, my vision is blurred, I can't concentrate or remember things right away, I have an exploding headaches, I lose a lot of weight suddenly, gain it again, I breathe and I choke because I can't get enough oxygen from my lungs anymore, I suffer chronic fatigue and insane thirst... and now I can't even walk. And there is nothing on my leg - no bruise, no swelling, no bone change, I can't localize a source of a pain - it just hurts, and I just limp.
How many doctors should I see, how many exams and tests should I do, and for what? They can't help me.
I guess all of that is just imaginary and I am suffering from panic because one asshole "specialist" went so far to sell me that bullshit ... I lit said to that one that I will clasp my hands around her neck and then she can demonstrate me how to choke elegantly without panic. Because that is how I feel, but there is nobody choking me, my breathing and hearth beats simply become erratic and I choke.
I don't drink painkillers. It is futile. My only escape is to walk around heedlessly without a goal and experience a full blown madness on my own. I don't want anything.
This morning hubby called me from work, he was surprised I didn't call him to ask how his day is and he assumed I was sleeping. I wasn't sleeping. I was wondering around from the early morning and when he complained his arm hurts - like I can somehow miraculously repair him with some nifty paranormal super power - I told him to go to the doctor, because I myself feel like I am falling apart.
Whenever I say something like that I am evaluated of being rude, uncaring, nervous and even ungrateful.
So, when I take a look at all of that and how I feel, I wonder is it worth it. When my kid asked me do I have a cancer, because it really looks like that, everything is there and there are a lot of people who get a paper when they are terminal after years spent in futile search for medical help... and kid asked me to chose when I am going to die because it doesn't fit their plans and to defy my illness without hospital intervention just so that they could enjoy summer and have all that nice fun my family now can afford... my mind melted into nothingness. I don't want anything.
And it is not just them with that sort of a behavior. There are others who are blind for everything but themselves, self-absorbed bullshit personalities who think that I am evil when I tell them to fuck off with all that need rattle, or jealous on their for me meaningless wishes, desires or even relationships. I am not jealous on their life, I expect something smart but all I get is their nonsensical ranting being in a way of my attempt to a meaningful last hour on Earth, so move out of my light.