@Alther 11 November 2020 more from that month

She's Human Too

Every day, what Finar does is stand in front of the windowpane, staring at his yard, which spreads hundreds of flower varieties and if you are lucky, you can see the hue of the evening when the afternoon comes. It has been a week since he has gone to school, choosing to stay in his room; limit the space for movement. A dark circle under her eyes was clearly visible, her persistent insomnia made the girl barely sleep for two days if the impudent maid did not put a kind of benzodiazepine — a kind of sedative in her diet. Humans just can't hold their words, that's how Finar held the principle for sixteen years of his life. His former self is the opposite of now. Everything was flat and ordinary, there was no smile on the face of the teenage girl. No matter how long he never smiled, all there was the worry that would become about his distrust of the human attitude around him. She was startled by the sound of knocking on the door, Finar did not answer because it was just a formality, and it was true that the next man entered. He approached Finar and hugged him from behind. The girl was silent, felt the aroma of mint leaves wafted from behind her body. "When are you going to change Fin? Brother is tired, take care of your transfer letter which didn't last a month, ”the man's voice was heard. Finar felt a hand touching his hair softly. The girl still held on to her silence. For a moment, the boy released a hug. Rushing to clean the scattered thick books around his sister's room. Sweeping the broken shards on the floor, tidying up Finar's crumpled bed. Once again, the girl didn't want to bother, seeing the universe was better than seeing her own life. “You don't like having lots of friends? Can a way out, smile together— " “I don't need all of that, I just need calm. And you disturbed my peace! " cut Finar in a dry, cold tone. Rendi — the man who became Finar's older brother smiled sadly, since when had their conversation been so formal, especially for a teenager. Finar is different from the girl eight years ago, the girl with a cheerful smile and dimples, a girl who is always happy when telling her friends. But what? Rendi seemed to see the real dark side of Finar, as if Finar's colorful soul was drowned out by a deep taste. The girl seemed… numb. Those sparkling eyes dimmed in place of a flat, indifferent look. "If it's your business, please come out." Not much to say, the man put a Tosca parcel on top of Finar's bed, before drowning himself behind the door, the man opened his voice. "Happy birthday my sister, happy sweet seventeen," he said before disappearing completely. Finar did not flinch, for a moment those eyes were a little surprised but soon flat again. The man wouldn't understand how gloomy Finar's life was out there. How much he hates humans, how much he hates friends. Everything has changed, it wasn't Finar who started it but them. - On the eighteenth day, the girl finally left the room wearing her high school uniform. Rendi, who is engrossed in spreading peanut butter on his bread, immediately smiled brightly and told Finar to come closer. "Do you want to go back to school? Incidentally, brother is not busy today. The office is also empty. Brother will accompany you to find school, ”he said happily. "I can find it myself, just take care of Rendi's job." The girl stood picking up the pineapple jam sandwich and hurried away. Finar arrives at a simple school, different from his previous school, the building in front of him is not terraced and not wide. The fence has also started to rot, but Finar doesn't care about it all. Last night, he had thought carefully about graduating and looking for a job, with that Finar could save money to buy a building far from the city center. The income from the writing that has always been successfully published in the newspapers is insignificant, the money is only Finar and never used. Again, Finar had to stand in front of the dozens of pairs of eyes, suddenly he was nervous, suddenly nauseous and dizzy, the fear creeps back. He looked at dozens of humans his age as if he saw a ferocious predator that would eat him. "Sorry, I can not!" the girl ran out of the classroom. Looking for a place as lonely as possible, he cried innocently in the dry grass. She was really scared, even his hands were still shaking, he was too afraid of them. Finar takes the inhaler from his skirt pocket, inhaling hard on it. "Finar, are you okay?" A female teacher who had told him to introduce himself to the class was standing in front of him, the girl shook her head. She's not doing well. "What is wrong with you? Shame?" More than that… thought Finar. He couldn't bring himself to socialize. She hated hearing that laughter when he heard himself hesitating in conversation. The recess bell arrived, Finar still unmoved in his position. Noticing a group of boys playing ball in class, then accidentally the round object hit his forehead. Finar growled, not thinking anymore, immediately stabbing the ball with his sharp nails. "Hey, really presumptuous!" said a man in messy clothes approached him. Finar glares, She's never afraid to be yelled at, it just ignites his emotions even more. "Who was looking for trouble first? I know, you really intend to kick the ball, right? So it hit my forehead? " The man grinned, making Finar nervous and his face gushing. "You are smart, huh? It's good, that's what I intended. Just want to remind you, so children don't look in front of the teacher! " the boy said immediately passed from before him accompanied by the laughter of other men. Finar lay face down on the table, no one ever knew the girl was crying in his residence. Does he have to shut himself up again like yesterday? When the lesson started, Finar's gaze was also out of focus as he felt a little uncomfortable in his seat. Because of that the teacher felt uncomfortable because he was not appreciated, the male teacher asked Finar to work on the problem in the future. And sure enough, the tearing sound came out loud from her skirt, Finar who was already stepping forward became embarrassed, her face flushed and as fast as that all the laughter of the children broke out. Finar stiffens on the spot, this incident almost resembles the incident eight years ago, when he publicly received gossip from his classmates for only his good grades. She was accused of stealing answers. At that time, Finar, who was innocent, was made a scapegoat, was laughed at, insulted, until the girl was psychologically disturbed. Nobody ever knew, because at that time Rendi was also completing his education in Germany. Finar caught those eyes of disdain, his heart seemed to have been hit by a strong object which caused him to crack repeatedly. Finar immediately ran out of the classroom, the girl kept running until she got out of the school area. Then, Finar felt his body being pulled by someone. “Alright… already, calm down. You're safe, they won't laugh at you anymore. ” Rendi. Finar frowns, why is his super busy brother here — with him? "Why did you never tell me that you are a catagelophobia?" Finar cries innocently, his brother already knows about his phobia. Catagelophobia is a type of excessive fear that a person experiences for fear of being laughed at. Finar, who is suffering from acute phobia, has been carrying it all alone for eight years, without anyone knowing or caring. "Forgive my brother who always forces you to go to school, I promise to treat your phobia until it heals. I promised to bring a private tutor for you, but please don't be cold with you anymore. Only you have the older brother, ”Rendi looked very miserable, he felt that he failed to be a brother who took care of his younger brother. He should have been in the hardest times, not letting Finar's psyche be disturbed. The two brothers hugged each other, as if conveying a signal of brotherhood that had been blocked by distance and time. End