Bright mornings, beautiful mornings, the air around you is still cool, in contrast to the daytime air which is so polluted, it is tight if you inhale it until your chest is stretched
I paddled my bicycle with a relaxed movement, many of them walked, and many of them wore bicycles to exercise that morning, the roads were quiet, the motorized vehicles didn't seem to be filling the road, we were very free for us to master.
"Sella, where are you going to continue?
"Continue what do you mean ra?"
"I do not know!"
"Don't you intend to go to college?" Asked Ara while pedaling her bicycle which was lower than mine.
I replied with a smile, my head shook for a gesture. I was really confused if I went to college I wouldn't be able to follow the subjects properly, whereas if I didn't go to college maybe my parents would feel very sad,, to be honest, my enthusiasm for college is already disappeared as if on the edge of a hurricane that always destroyed everything around it, we continued to pedal the bicycle to the destination field when I got there,,, I thought my gaze was blank but my mind was tangled I realized I was wrong, I should have been honest from the start if I don't want to go to college, but what about my parents ???
Joking, laughter grows in the warmth of the family that I feel, maybe they are proud of me, because they know I will go to college to get a proper degree but will they still be proud of me if they know what my true heart is? I invite my cousin to play and sing he is only 4 years old, he is funny like a child artist who is bum in the art world there,
his gestures, his behavior, made my smile expand, soothed a confused heart
"Try ... Echa can sing or not?
"What song does Echa usually sing?"
"Hhmmmzz rainbow-rainbow yes, let's sing with auntie?"
Many wrong words that came out of his mouth when singing made me laugh,
days go by quickly I don't know the heart of the people around me, are they sad, happy or maybe confused like me? Don't know only those who know
I took a piece of paper, without verbally pouring my heart out through black ink, clean white paper without stains is now full of hearts that I can no longer bury my tears soaking my cheeks easily, lighten the burden of existing thoughts.
Dear my Allah …………
"If both my parents knew this they would be sad, they would be disappointed, I don't want to make them cry anymore I love them, honestly from the start, I was no longer enthusiastic about going to college, but I really didn't dare tell Umi, I'm afraid. umi sad umi crying ,,,
Enough is enough for me to keep them sad with my attitude with my mistake.
Dear Allah,, my enthusiasm for college is now gone, that enthusiasm was lost when the service was finished yesterday, at first I was excited to go to college but that was last year and now this year I really can't bring it again, O Allah ... after I felt it whose name has my own money I started wanting to work,, whatever is important is halal,,
I want to be successful with my efforts …….
And the problem of college I don't want this year,, moreover, I go to college, not with my intelligence, not with my skills, not with my own efforts, I want to be a smart person, not a stupid person, I'm just a loser who can't use his brain properly. fine, I can't speak English ... but why did I choose to take English?
That's it ... my parents really care about me ... they care about my future, only I don't want to be a teacher I don't want it, God, whatever is my profession, it's important I'm not a teacher ... I don't want to take PAI , so I decided to take PBI, even though I still knew that it was a teaching major. My intention was wrong to enter PBI and I didn't want it if the result was like this …………… ..
'YaAllah I don't want to take tarbiyyah faculty, what I want I want to do is take Sharia or Da'wah faculty but unfortunately Allah, that might be a dream that will never happen in my life,
I'm really forced to Allah, I'm forced to feel like it, I just resigned, I want to feel like I'm away from this life, oh my god… .. what's wrong with me? This heart is chaotic. This thought won't focus on studying, I have my own way of thinking ????? I have my own life story.
And about PARE I really want to go there, I want to study there but I don't want to go to college …………. I want to be away from my area, I want to travel I want to be able to be independent, I just burden both of them.
Dear Allah, will my parents be angry with me ???, this is not anyone's fault no one is involved in it this is just my wish, I never had the enthusiasm to go to college and you know Allah crossed my mind to become a Muslim ……. want to feel that,
AND NOW I'M FORCED REALLY FORCED,,
I don't have the heart, Allah, to lie to my parents and even more, I have to tell them all this "I LOVE THEM".
And I'm not passionate about LECTURES,,,, Allah ……… .protect me
I can't ... I don't want to be able to spend only my parents' money, while my studies are "NOT TRUE, NOT MAXIMUM."
I'm sad about my condition. I'm sad with my spirit that is down n very down I'm too weak, very weak. ………… ..
"Sella ... let's eat first", told Umi to me, I didn't answer the answer
"Sella, let's do our job first, let's eat first," he said again
"Yes umi, I'll eat later, umi go ahead"
"All, have already done it, it's only you who haven't"
I left my notes at that time,
"When called it must be answered k"
"Yes mi. sorry?"
"If Umi knew what I wrote and what I feel now" I muttered to myself
Now my way of thinking is dead, I don't know what will happen to me in the future,,,,