Trust Issue

Have you tried to ask yourself why you're hesitant to trust a person again? Is there a time that you are just looking at the face of the person and your mind told you don't trust them?

I have this trust issue. I don't easily trust a person anymore. I only trust my Mama and Papa, I even sometimes don't trust my siblings, lol. I sometimes felt pity for my siblings when my trust issue strike when they have something to tell me and my mind tells that they're just lying and should not believe them. I am the eldest so I should understand them but I can't stop myself when this trust issue strike in time. But it doesn't mean that all the time, there are just times that I feel it for them. But I love them so much and I am still supporting them.

My trust issue started when I was a 6 grader. I have this trust issue towards my mother's side's relatives. My mother's siblings especially the eldest and the one next to her were not close to us. They are 6 siblings; 5 girls, and 1 boy. I don't understand why they don't understand each other and they quarrel almost the time. They're not rich and don't have a big land to be part of.

Their 2nd sibling is working in a convent as a cook. Every fiesta and Christmas, she will send money to her siblings included my mother, if she can't go home during those times. If 2nd sibling sends the money to my mother's two siblings, they were frowning while giving them money and take note, the money was always not intact but my mother stayed silent because, for her, it was only money, and she doesn't want to have war with her siblings because of money. I want to say something but I am just a child and as showing respect to others, I contain myself and shut my mouth. If their eldest sister and youngest went home to our town, we can't easily go and greet them at their house because my aunts were there. It is normal in a province that when someone came from Manila, the relatives will go to the house of the arrived person and greet but the truth is they will ask for something (Pasalubong). My father told us not to go there and stay away because of my mother's siblings.

It took two days when my Mama's Manang, the 2nd siblings of six, came to our house. She brought biscuits and food. She said why e didn't show up at Lola's house and my mother just apologizes and smile. My mother said that because they're busy but the truth is we're not going to show up there because of my two aunts.

One day, my mother's two siblings went to our house and got mad because our grandpa was sick. They want my Mom to be the one to look for him. My mom said okay. And there she was the one who sacrificed for taking care of Lolo though I have a little sister at that time. But my mother never said a single word. My father was talking to Mom but my mother always says that it's okay and that she's fine. I know my father was mad but he's containing himself not to burst out.

Sadly, my grandpa died. And my grandma told my Mom to take good care of the little farm our grandpa been tilling when he was still alive. My mother's siblings were fine with it but not my two aunts. They got mad at my Mom. My grandma told them that my Mom should be the one to take care of it because she was the one who's always with their father when going to the farm. My two aunts walked out of the house with hatred. It was the start where they always throw bad words to my Mom. Me as a child, I saw how they treated my Mom like trash. But my Mom didn't fight them instead she always says that we should pray for them. They didn't stop until one of them got sick. And know what's funny? The one they called for help is my Mom. I thought my Mom would decline but she's not. I saw them crying while Mom taking care of her sister until she recovered.

My Mom and I was a member of Legion of Mary, so every Sunday we went to the church before the Mass started because we'll have novena. After the mass, my Mom and her sister talked and they reconcile in front of the altar. I was touched by how they hugged my Mom. I thought it was the start of a good relationship with the siblings but I was mistaken.

After few months, they were back to what they are. I can't remember why and what's the reason but I saw how they threw money at my mother. They said that our family will crawl due to poverty and no one of my Mom's offspring will be able to finish their studies and we can't build a concrete house. All those painful words were carved in my heart until I get older. I promised myself that I will finish my studies and will show them we made it.

I am now a degree holder, thanks to God. A professional with a license. I made them realize they were wrong. Our house now was way different from our house before. It is now concrete, not that big but much better than theirs. My father did his best to have a decent house. Anyway, I am the first one who finished my studies in college, and my aunt's daughters and son didn't finish their studies.

Now, they were good to us. Always told that I might change. I will just smile at them. I may forgive but I can't forget.

I don't know how to trust them anymore. I know that they're just good to us now because we already reached something they thought we can't.

So it is the reason why I have this TRUST ISSUE.