When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missin' you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missin', too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear
To always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
Whenever I heard this song, I always felt like crying, because I miss my father so much
When I was a kid, I grew up to be a fathers kid, because my father is a very humble and kind, he never gets mad easily, but when he gets mad be ready, my father is a fisherman, and his vices are cigarettes and drinking alcohol, and that's one reason why my parents always argue, my mother is a rugged woman, most of us is afraid with her, if she said something you will follow or else you will be punished, we are a total of 9 siblings but the oldest 2 siblings are only half brother and sister, I dont know where is there father, I just grew up that they are living with us but we have a different surname, thats all I never ask anymore about there history, but I never heard my parents arguing about them, they argue more about the vices of my father especially drinking alcohol, maybe because, life is too difficult feeding a 9mouth and only my father is earning and yet he still manage to drink alcohol, after I graduated my grade school, I study in Manila as a scholar in THE SISTERS OF MARY SCHOOL, its a organization/congregation where they chooses the children from the poorest of the poor and give them a chance to study in high school for free, as in free just pass the entrance examination and interview and thats it, you can stay with them for four years(high school), in every school year you are alloted a 2 weeks vacation and they will send you home and pick you up after vacation, all fees are free. Lets get back to my story, as I started my high school days in SISTERS OF MARY, sometimes I am receiving a letter from them telling me whats happening and so on, when I was in my fourth year, my father wrote a letter for me that they are seperated already, and my father told me that my mother go with another man(sad to hear but its the reality)and she bring with her my 3youngest brothers and sister so I keep crying that time, but crying can't do anything so life must go on and when I graduated I decided to look for a job because even when you are under age, but you study from THE SISTERS OF MARY and you have a parents consent, they will find a job for you., And so I got hired after my graduation Im so happy finally I can support my family and there it goes, I worked as factory worker, and if there's a vacation I go home to my father, not with my mother, as I told you earlier Im a fathers kid, sometimes my mother visited me to my boarding house and she bring my brothers and sister, and the set-up goes like that.
It was 2004 when my father started getting sick, he is starting to IN and OUT of the hospital, and even my parents are seperated, my mother still visit my father especially when he was at the hospital, and as the days and months passing by he is getting worst, so it was december 2004, when we found out that he have a pneumonia, and need to do some blood tranfusion because his lungs are getting empty (this is because of his cigarettes and drinking alcohol), but my father refuse that idea because he knows that we have enough money for that, and i think he is tired also, since it was december we decided to spend christmas and new year together, my mother bring my younger siblings with her going home and I file vacation leave too from my work, and I saw how hapy my father that time, and after those occasion we need to get back to the real world.
After new year my siblings and mother need to return to manila because they have to return to school and I need to report to work also, so after saying goodbye my father is so sad but he have no choice but to accept the fact, so we're back to reality my father is with my brother again and me at work and my younger siblings are back to school, then my brother keep texting me about my fathers condition that he really gets worst but he dont want to be in hospital anymore, he just stay at home so we did not force him.
February 5, 2005
Around 2pm, while I was at worked my brother texted me that my father had passed away, and after reading that message I cried and my co-workers asked me what happened and I told them that my father is gone, so they comfort me, and my leader told me that if I want to go home I can, but that time there were no shuttle bus service because its time for overtime already, so they just decided not send me home, because they see how affected I am that I can't even talk well, so they just let me sit and cry and wait for 5:30pm for the outgoing shuttle bus service, they inform my superior what happened and asked to file a leave because im going to my province. So while I was going home to my boarding house I keep on crying and when I reach my boarding house I pack my clothes and Immediately go to the near bus station going to province, and I've waited so long for the bus, I think around 9pm when I had the chance to ride the bus, while on the way to the my province, still I keep on crying and reminiscing my father and our memories, so its a 10-12 hours trip but I never felt sleepy.
When I reach our home I immediately run and I saw some people there and when I saw my father I cried so much and I felt so pitu on him because, he is just laying on the floor with blanket and and a candle on his side, I feel so guilty because no one initiate to fix his burial, they all wait for me and I will be the one to fix about his burial. So I never take a rest my fathers brother came and told me that he will accompany me to the funeral house to fix about the burial of my father, he told me that they dont have money too so they can't fix his burial, so we go and I got fix it and they said they will just go and do all the things needed, so we went home and I had the time to take a nap and when I woke up, he is coffin already and the set-up is also finish. I think 3days after my father passed away my mother and younger siblings, because they need to fix first with the schools, and after how many days we bring him to his final place. And it was the saddest part of my life.
After that my uncle talk to me because they saw how I was affected and Im blaming myself also because I never took care of him while he was sick,. They told me not to worry because my father knows how I sacrifice just to support him and it was her decision not to do blood tranfusion, because he knows it needs a lot of money, and he dont want me to suffer paying after he died. They also told me how my father loves me so much. I know it really hurts but I need to accept the reality that he was gone, but never forgotten. I love you so much Papa and I miss you so much.
PS: I know you are just around watching over us, please dont forget to pray for us to God, and guide us always, we may not see you physically but I know your love for us is unending, sorry for my shortcomings when you are alive but you know how much I love you, and that is forever. Sorry for not giving you the life that is supposed to be given my a daughter to her parents but you know how I struggle to be give you the best that I can be.
Show your love to your parents because having them in our life is a big opportunity to let them feel how important they are, and express the love you want to give them because you can show or express when they gone and it will make you feel guilty for not showing or expressing it.